Turning Confrontation into Conversation

“Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.” — Max Lucado

 Confrontation is an intimidating concept for many people. It often brings about feelings of fear, anxiety, and dread. I can’t count how many people I’ve heard refer to themselves as “non-confrontational” or that they “hate confrontation.” So why do so many of us feel that it’s an integral component of communicating our needs?

 Recently, in one of my sessions with a client, we were exploring a strained new roommate dynamic. Since this roommate is new and living with my client, there was both hesitancy and urgency to set boundaries around certain situations in the most delicate manner possible. I could feel the palpable anxiety emanating from my client as we explored how to set boundaries with the roommate… and that’s when it occurred to me. Instead of looking at this as a confrontation, let’s look at this as a conversation… and see what shifts.

 Confrontation, in essence, is a hostile interaction between opposing parties and is marked by an argumentative tone. Conversation, on the other hand, may involve opposing views or opinions, but the overarching goal is to smoothly come to a shared understanding.

 If you’ve read my blog on how to set boundaries, you’re familiar with the sandwich technique for effective communication. It is essentially sandwiching what you want to assert between positive statements. Communicating effectively involves the use of “I” statements (taking ownership of our feelings and perspectives) and sticking to observable behaviors without the use of extremes or absolutes (e.g., “always,” “never”).

 Adding an additional step fully sets the stage for a conversation to occur: inviting the other person to join in on the dialogue by asking questions. Some examples are: “Is there anything you want to tell me?” or “Is there anything I’m doing that you’d like me to be more aware of?”.

 Of course, context is very crucial here. Sometimes, when dynamics are deeply ingrained, or we are trying to communicate with someone without the skills of active listening, we may be better off taking other approaches. That’s why having a therapist to guide you through the process of having a conversation can be very beneficial. Please get in touch with our Client Care Coordinator at Root to Rise to book an appointment with one of our therapists today!

With gratitude,

Atalie Abramovici

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