Coping with Grief
Coping with Grief During the Holidays
“And when great souls die, after a period peace blooms, slowly and always irregularly. Spaces fill with a kind of soothing electric vibration. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed. We can be. Be and be better. For they existed.”- Maya Angelou
These lines from the poem “When Great Trees Fall” by Maya Angelou were read to me in session by a client as she prepared for her first Thanksgiving without her husband. Though this client has been feeling the immense weight of her grief daily and even hourly, the thought of the imminent holiday season has been bringing up new and intense emotions. The experience of managing grief comes up every year in therapy sessions, but this year the grieving feels even more pervasive as so many of us have lost family members throughout the pandemic. In some way, we are all grieving the loss of unmet expectations and hopes from the past 21 months.
For many, the end of the year holidays signifies a time of togetherness, happiness, and celebration. For those of us that are grieving, these feelings are muddled together with pain, loneliness, longing, resentment, and a myriad of other emotions. Creating space for all of these jumbled emotions can feel overwhelming. Here are some coping skills to keep in mind this holiday season for anyone experiencing grief in any form.
Allow yourself to feel.
I know this sounds counterproductive when you’re looking for ways to cope with the feelings. However, the feelings are going to be there whether you want them to be or not. Ignoring them and pushing them away only creates more buildup and eventual pain. It can be tempting to numb the feelings with substances as a temporary relief, but I encourage you to try your best to avoid this route. Try to be kind to your body and your mind. Acknowledge your feelings and be kind to yourself as you notice the mixed emotions you are experiencing. Regardless of if the loss was one month ago or 10 years ago, it is okay to feel the feelings all over again. Years ago, someone shared with me an analogy about grief that has stuck with me. They described grief as a ball bouncing around in a box. The box has a “pain” button on the side and every time the ball hits that button, you feel the pain. In the beginning, the ball fills up the entire box and the button is continually pressed. As time goes on, the ball shrinks but never completely goes away. The ball still bounces around the box and every so often, with or without warning, it hits that pain button again. The ball hitting that button may become less frequent with time, but the intensity remains.
Set boundaries and take care of yourself.
Being around others can be helpful, but if you don’t feel up for it that is completely okay. It is entirely your choice what you do and who you surround yourself with. If you know that being around Aunt Susan always makes you feel irritable and criticized, skip that holiday event! Surround yourself with people that make you feel good and try your hardest not to feel guilt for saying no and setting boundaries. Only you know what feels right for you. The people that care about you will understand.
Prepare your coping skills ahead of time.
It is beneficial to have a list of coping skills ready to go whenever you may need them. I encourage practicing various mindfulness techniques and breathing exercises when you feel calm, so you don’t have to think too hard about how to implement them when you are really needing them. If you are feeling overwhelmed or flooded with emotions, it can be helpful to tune into your breathing. There are many different breathing exercises to try in these moments, but one I particularly like is the 4-7-8 technique. You can read more about it here, but it essentially involves inhaling for 4 counts, holding for 7 counts, and exhaling for 8 counts.
There are also some incredible guided mindfulness meditations on the app Insight Timer that are geared specifically for Honoring and Acknowledging Grief. These work for me, and it’s important to find the coping skills that work for you. Maybe you need to take a walk around the block when you’re feeling overwhelmed or put in your headphones and listen to music. Maybe you need to call a friend or be completely alone. Maybe you need to journal. There are countless options.
Ask for help and allow others to support you.
Even though you may feel like you’re the only person experiencing what you’re feeling, you’re not alone. If you can, share memories and stories about your loved one when they pop up in your thoughts. If you are around other family members or friends, you can look at a photo album (if you still have those) or pictures on your phone together. And if you’re needing support of any kind, whether that be a hug, a conversation, or some space, ask for it! I know asking for help is challenging for so many of us, but the discomfort of asking is worth it. I promise. Allowing your family and friends to support you makes a huge difference, and it may also be a good time to reach out to a therapist for help.
Our therapists at Root to Rise have experience helping clients work through grief and are here to support you through this challenging period of the year. Contact us today to see how they might be of help!
I am sending love to all of you who are navigating grief during this holiday period. I commend you and I am right there with you.
Warmly,
Jessica Leader, AMFT