Toxic Positivity
What is Toxic Positivity, How to Avoid It, and What to Say Instead
Have you ever confided in someone about a vulnerable topic, only to be met with some variation of “Don’t be sad” or “It’ll be okay!” While well-intentioned, these responses can be more harmful than helpful.
A couple of weeks ago, I realized I was in a funk. I started sharing my experience with a friend after working up the courage to ask for support, who immediately launched into a very cheery explanation of everything that makes her feel better that ended with “You’ll feel better in no time!” After the conversation, I was left feeling withdrawn and confused. Why had this made me feel worse? The advice she gave me (journaling, positive affirmations, headspace shifting, and exercise) was exactly what I would and have recommended to clients and friends. On top of that, I know she was trying so hard to help me and I felt ungrateful. The problem was, I KNEW all of the advice she gave me already, but it’s really hard to “just shift your headspace” or “just think positively” when you’re struggling to get out of bed. Whether or not it was her intention, the subtext I heard was that the way I was feeling was a choice I was making and I should just snap out of it.
When I first heard the term “toxic positivity,” it felt like an oxymoron. How could positivity be toxic? After this experience, however, I understood. David Kessler, a grief expert, defines toxic positivity as “Positivity given in the wrong way, in the wrong dose, at the wrong time.” I like this definition since it implies that there IS a time and place for positivity, yet that time is not 24/7, and that place is not when someone needs empathy and validation.
Toxic positivity is “the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. It's a ‘good vibes only’ approach to life” (Cherry 2011).
This “good vibes only” approach to life is pervasive on social media, especially promoted by well-meaning influencers who seem to consistently make us feel guilty for not being able to control the vibes around us all the time. So, how has this phenomenon become so commonplace, and what can we do instead?
Toxic positivity often results from an inability to tolerate discomfort. The desire to take away someone’s sadness comes from a loving place, yet it can signal that their sadness is too much and needs to be eliminated immediately. However, it doesn’t only come from external sources. We often unconsciously apply these belief systems onto ourselves, leading us to feel guilty for experiencing negative emotions and pain. Have you ever told yourself, “I shouldn’t be upset, people have it way worse”? This mindset can be damaging and insidious if used in the wrong moment. Here are 5 ways we can avoid toxic positivity, both towards others and ourselves:
1) Acknowledge feelings without erasing or minimizing them
Try “That sounds like a really upsetting day,” instead of “It could be worse. Stay positive!”
2) Empathy instead of sympathy
Try “Your feelings are valid and I’m here” instead of “I could never deal with that, I feel so bad!”
3) Practice distress tolerance
Try “Tell me more about how you feel,” instead of trying to distract them and talk about something lighter.
4) Listen before reacting
Try “I’m listening and I hear you,” instead of “Let me tell you how I got over the same thing.”
5) Ask yourself and others what they need
Try “How can I support you today?” instead of “All you have to do is shift your mindset.”
Acknowledging the prevalence and effect of toxic positivity has helped me in my role as a therapist, friend, partner, daughter, sister, and colleague. Though toxic positivity can wound, many people don’t realize the impact of their words and think they are being helpful.
It’s important to communicate your needs to the people around you and determine who to confide in during moments where you need a listening ear. The next time I wanted to share my feelings with my friend mentioned above, I decided to be extra vulnerable and tell her how certain responses unintentionally made me feel. I told her I just needed someone to listen and to give me a hug. She completely understood and will continue to be one of my go-to friends for support, advice, love, and everything else in between.
It’s necessary to note as well that though we often do rely on friends for emotional support, they are not trained mental health professionals. If you’re experiencing negative emotions and want to be met with empathy and supportive feedback, the therapists at Root to Rise Therapy are here to help you and meet you where you are. Contact our Client Care Coordinator to find out which therapist would be best suited for your needs! And remember, it’s okay to not feel okay.
Warmly,
Jessica Leader, LMFT
Resources:
Cherry, Kendra. “Why Toxic Positivity Can Be so Harmful.” Verywell Mind, Verywell Mind, 1 Feb. 2021,
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