Pillow Talk: Let’s Talk About Sex!

A blank stare: one of the most common responses I receive when asking about sex in couples therapy. Then, a moment of silence, and something along the lines of, “We’re not really having sex as often as we used to. Neither of us is totally satisfied with our sex life, and sometimes it feels like we’re on a completely different page. We haven’t addressed our sex life because we don’t really talk about it.” 

Let’s first acknowledge that talking openly about sex with our partner(s) involves some vulnerability and discomfort. However, having open conversations about sex is crucial for creating a healthier and more satisfying relationship. As much as we try to convince ourselves, humans are not capable of mind-reading, so the first step to having the sexual relationship we crave is by talking about it. We can’t get what we want without saying we want it! 

Talking about sex can help couples get on the same page about important questions: What do we need to feel more connected to each other? What do we need to get turned on? What do we need to feel good? What should we try next? This discussion encourages exploration and growth; exciting new sexual adventures can begin when partners feel free to express their desires and are open to trying new things.

Further, it can help to address any safety issues (e.g. STI prevention, contraception), prevent misunderstandings, and open doors to finding mutually satisfying solutions. Responsible sexual behavior allows partners to feel safe and cared for! 

These two truths - that talking about sex is important AND that it can feel awkward - highlight the importance of first creating a safe environment where partners can feel empowered to have open conversations about sex. The most important ingredients for making this conversation go smoothly are curiosity, sensitivity and openness. Here are some do’s and don’ts for ensuring a successful discussion: 

Do: Choose an appropriate time and place, where you both have privacy and time to focus, listen and validate. Negotiate and compromise where necessary. 

Do: Keep shame in check - when reflecting on your own desires, let go of what society has told you is ‘normal.’ We each have unique desires that deserve to be heard and acknowledged. Practice self-acceptance and neutrality by replacing, “I like this and it’s weird” with: “Everyone likes different things, and this is what I like.”

Do: Keep your judgments in check - see above. Practice suspending judgment when hearing about desires that are unfamiliar or outside your comfort zone. Instead of immediately dismissing them, approach them with curiosity and an open mind. Approach your partner(s) with the sensitivity and respect they deserve. 

Don’t: Shame, blame, criticize, or guilt your partner(s) for their sexual desires or preferences. Remember, the goal is to create safety to have an honest and productive conversation, not to shut your partner down and discourage further discussion. Allow your partner(s) to express themselves fully without interrupting or invalidating their feelings. Everyone's experiences and perspectives are valid, even if they differ from your own. 

Don’t: Pressure or force your partner(s) into activities they’re uncomfortable with. Never assume consent based on past experiences or the nature of your relationship. This is not about trying out everything that is discussed; consent should be freely given and enthusiastic. 

Don’t: Break confidentiality. Respect each other's privacy and confidentiality regarding intimate matters. Use discretion and understand the boundaries of what information to be private from friends/family. 

Need a starting point? Here’s a tool: The Yes/No/Maybe (YNM) inventory is a structured list of sexual activities, fantasies, and preferences. Partners can review the list and mark each item with a response from one of three categories: 

Yes: Activities or fantasies that you're enthusiastic about and would like to explore with your partner(s). 

No: Activities or fantasies that you're not interested in or uncomfortable with and wish to avoid. 

Maybe: Activities or fantasies that you're unsure about or open to considering under certain conditions. 

Partners can indicate Y/N/M for whether they would be interested in giving or receiving each interaction. Partners can also customize this checklist to include specific activities, fantasies, or desires that are relevant to their preferences and relationship.

Partners are encouraged to revisit and revise their lists as desires and boundaries evolve over time. Below is a specific example of a YNM checklist that can be used as a starting point for discussion:

Remember that the overall goal is to explore what might help promote mutual sexual satisfaction in your relationship. If you need some support in discussing or working through issues related to sex and intimacy, the therapists at Root to Rise Therapy are here to help! Reach out to our client care coordinator today to find out which of our couples therapists would be a good fit for your relationship! 

Good luck and have fun! ;) 

Kalie Pham, AMFT