Inner Advocate: Finding Self-Compassion

Marie* sat across from me detailing a recent presentation at work; her expression clouded with self-doubt and disappointment. “I’m really worried I didn’t do well,” she said. “I stumbled over my words, and I know everyone noticed. I’m afraid I made a fool of myself. Do you think I came across as unprepared? Am I overthinking this?”

As Marie continued to ask for my judgment and opinion, it became clear she was in need of reassurance and, above all, self-compassion. My initial instinct was to validate Marie, knowing she spent weeks preparing for this presentation and felt confident before it. But before I spoke, I hesitated, and was curious how she might answer to this self-doubt for herself. “What are you hoping that I say in response to these questions?” I asked. 

My question threw her off, and she paused for a moment before replying. She thought carefully, then replied, “I guess I want to hear that I did the best I could, that my preparation showed through even if I had a few slip-ups, and that I’m capable enough to handle tough situations.” 

As I reflected back the words that Marie had just said to me, I noted that she already held the truth that she was seeking. Like Marie, we often seek validation from others when we feel vulnerable, believing that external reassurance will quiet our inner critic. But the truth is, while reassurance from others can provide temporary relief, the most enduring compassion comes from within. Listening to and elevating the voice of our inner advocate is the most effective way to challenge negative self-talk and increase self-compassion. 

But how does one listen to their inner advocate, and what would they say? 

If you’re wondering this question, I invite you to engage in an exercise designed to support self-compassion, inspired by an activity within Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are.  

Begin by reflecting on a situation where you’ve been overly critical of yourself. It could be something related to your work, a relationship, a personal challenge you’ve been facing, or perhaps a specific fear or anxiety. Write down the details of this situation, paying particular attention to the self-critical thoughts that have been circling in your mind.

Now, imagine that someone you admire and respect is coming to you with this same problem. Picture this person sitting across from you, asking for your guidance. In your most supportive and grounded state of mind, what would you say to them? Focus on strengths, efforts, and resiliency. Write down the words of encouragement and truth that you would offer this person, highlighting their competence and capacity to navigate the situation.

Once you’ve written this down, take a moment to reread what you wrote. As you’ve probably gathered, this letter is not just for the person you admire—it’s a letter for you, from your inner advocate. The wisdom and support that you share with others applies just as much to you as it does to anyone else. And there’s no one who you need to hear it from more than yourself. 

Self-compassion isn’t about glossing over your flaws or pretending that everything is perfect. It’s about recognizing your inherent worth, treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend, and understanding that you are capable and resilient. In the therapy space, I serve as a mirror; a reflection of your recognized strengths and acknowledged efforts. If you’re interested in harnessing your inner advocate and minimizing negative self-talk, reach out to our Client Care Coordinator today! There’s a team of therapists at Root to Rise who would love to support you in cultivating self-compassion and lasting confidence that comes from within. 

*Marie is not a real client. All identifying information was modified to protect client confidentiality while preserving pertinent themes.

P.S if you would like to read more about increasing self compassion, Kristen Neff’s book Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself is a great resource! 

Warmly,

Sophia Rodriguez, AMFT