4 Tips for Making Friends as an Adult
In elementary school, I had a new best friend every week. I’d come home from school and excitedly tell my mom all about the new friend I’d made and would have a playdate set up for the next available opportunity. Now, at 27, I have a handful of friends scattered across the country. Our communication largely involves exchanging texts about missing each other and needing to catch up, with weeks or even months between messages. Making friends in adulthood is undeniably harder than in childhood, and watching our friendships dwindle is unfortunately commonplace. Many of my adult clients report loneliness and social isolation, which have only escalated during the pandemic. Now, more than ever, there is significant fear and mystification about where to begin making friends and meeting new people. The template of the in-person workplace is being replaced by work-from-home or hybrid models that increase our time spent at home by ourselves.
When we’re younger, we have the built-in structure of school to introduce us to other children and adolescents our age. And let’s face it, adults can be more judgmental and closed-off than most children. The fear of judgment or rejection stops so many of us from putting ourselves out there, thus watching friendships dwindle in adulthood is incredibly common. However, we still need friendships now as much as we did as children.
When I googled “adult friendships”, the three most searched questions that came up were “Is it normal to not have friends in adulthood?” “Is it harder to make friends as you age?” and “How do 25-year-olds make friends?” These questions are so frequently Googled and so infrequently asked IRL. So why are so many of us experiencing this trend, and what can we do?
1) Deepen existing connections:
This past year, I decided to take a look at my existing friendships and identify which ones were making me feel good and which ones were not. As simple as this exercise sounds, it completely altered my friendship dynamics and led to a dramatic decrease in the number of friendships I consider meaningful. With this headspace, I also started to pay attention to the conversations with acquaintances or friends of friends that made me feel good and vowed to put more effort into those relationships. As someone who is naturally more introverted, it was terrifying to ask someone I had only ever spent time with in group settings to grab dinner one-on-one. Now, almost a year later, our standing Thai food date is one of the highlights of my month. Pushing through that initial fear can lead to connections that may have been right in front of you. Think about your own life, and think about if there is anyone who is already in it that you may want to get to know a little bit more. Channel that childlike openness and reach out to them!
2) Engage with a hobby:
The pandemic scattered my friendships even more as we saw people moving out of big cities and into smaller towns or back home. A friend of mine from Los Angeles recently moved to Denver during the pandemic to start afresh. She was extremely anxious about meeting people since her new job was entirely remote. Once she was settled, she decided to sign up for a local photography class. She had always wanted to try photography and felt like a new city was the perfect place to start. This class allowed her to meet like-minded creatives who also wanted to explore the city through photography. Between this class and engaging with other hobbies old and new, she has formed a solid community.
3) Use Technology:
When my mom moved to Santa Barbara by herself last year, the first thing she did was join a Newcomers Group she found on Facebook. This group organized meetups throughout the city that helped her experience her new home with others experiencing the same adjustment. If a group like this doesn’t exist in your city, why not start one!? And even if you’re not a newcomer, technology and social media are a surprisingly common way to meet new people and form friendships. The other day while scrolling through Tiktok, I saw a video showing a group of young women who meet up to hike various trails throughout Los Angeles and choose a new restaurant to try afterward. I’ve lived in LA my whole life and still am tempted to join this group! On top of using your familiar social media applications, there are settings on dating apps where you can set the filter to only finding friendships. I just went to a wedding where the maid of honor met the bride on Bumble!
4) Ask for help:
We have blind dates for romantic relationships, so why not have someone set you up on a blind friendship date? If you’re in a new place and trying to meet people, ask around! You may have a friend who has a friend, relative, or acquaintance in that location that you would never know about if you didn’t ask! Even though it may initially feel uncomfortable, it can be helpful to let others know that you’re looking to expand your connections. Ask someone you know to invite you out with them next time they hang out with a group. You’ll be surprised how many conversations that started with “I’m trying to make friends” gets responded to with “Me too!”
If you’re struggling with feelings of loneliness and are unsure about where to start, our therapists at Root to Rise are here to help and support you through this journey. In therapy, we can help you work through barriers and feel safer expressing vulnerability that helps put yourself out there and open yourself up to new and fulfilling connections. Start by contacting our Client Care Coordinator today!