How to Balance Togetherness With Separateness in Your Relationship
When Taylor Swift got engaged, my phone blew up as if my own close personal friend had gotten engaged. I might have even gotten more texts in response to her engagement than my own. (Yes, this is another blog post where I find a way to talk about Taylor Swift, but I promise there’s a point here!) So many of the messages asked if I was happy for her and how I felt about the engagement. I am so happy for her, for so many reasons. But one that I keep coming back to is how much Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce have mastered the balance of togetherness and separateness. They respect and support each other’s differences and careers while building a life filled with togetherness and connection. They show up for each other and show up for themselves. In therapy, I frequently work with couples who have focused on togetherness and might have neglected separateness, or vice versa. We can spend so much time and energy strengthening our relationships that our own individuation can get neglected. Here’s some of what I’ve learned from working with couples and obsessively consuming all content related to Taylor and Travis’ relationship.
Togetherness
When two people meet, there is a natural merging of friendships, sharing of interests, and blending of lives. This process is deeply important in creating a shared world together rather than existing exclusively in a bubble of seclusion. Taylor Swift has spoken about how important this is to her in her relationship with Travis, and how much effort they both put into integrating their families and friends. Taylor even talks about how she has become invested in football and learning about Travis’ passions. I’m not saying you have to learn about sports- we all have our limits- but taking genuine joy and interest in your partner’s life creates a shared landscape. In couples therapy, many couples struggle with togetherness. It can feel scary to introduce someone you are dating to your people, and there can be a natural protective mechanism that feels like keeping parts of life separate can keep us safe from future pain. This is an understandable response, and it makes sense to wait to fully integrate until we feel safe. However, integration is often a step that creates more closeness, more connection, and ultimately more safety. Being independent is a strength, but too much separation inhibits relational growth.
Separateness
We’ve all had a friend who invites their boyfriend to every dinner, right? You don’t necessarily mind their boyfriend, but you’d love some one-on-one time! This friend might struggle with the element of separateness in their relationship. They’ve become so enmeshed that they struggle to do anything apart, which can begin to negatively impact other areas of their lives (like friendships). Listening to Taylor and Travis talk on the New Heights podcast about their careers, I was struck by how well they’ve mastered separateness with support. Travis spoke about Taylor’s concerts with so much admiration and glee, not feeling threatened by her success or wanting to be a part of it. He allows her to shine as her own individual being, while reveling in his pride and pleasure in watching her thrive. In couples therapy, many couples struggle to find the line between togetherness and separateness. Once couples learn togetherness, they can forget to strengthen their separateness. Each person in a relationship needs their own sense of individuality and needs a part of their life that is just theirs. Whether this is a hobby, a community, a friend, a career. When we get too close, and overlap too much, we can lose our sense of self. As Taylor said, “You know how to ball, I know Aristotle.” They have pretty profound differences, yet they work!
Achieving this balance of togetherness and separateness in a relationship can be tricky. If you are struggling with either one, therapy can be a great place to learn how to blend and differentiate! Reach out to our client care coordinator today to connect with a therapist to strengthen your own love story.
All the best,
Jessica Leader LMFT
