Grieving the Version of You That Had to Survive
There’s a kind of grief that sneaks up on you when you start healing. It’s not about losing someone else; it’s about realizing you’re outgrowing the person you had to become to get through it all. The one who could read a room before walking into it. The one who stayed busy, calm, funny, perfect - whatever was needed to keep things okay. That version of you kept you alive. They did exactly what they were supposed to do.
You might notice it in small ways: the exhaustion that hits when you finally stop, or how quiet feels both peaceful and wrong at the same time. Sometimes, when life starts feeling safe, that old part of you doesn’t know what to do with it. Survival became the rhythm, and rest feels foreign.
Survival Was Smart
Why do old coping patterns resurface when we start healing?
A lot of what people call “coping mechanisms” were actually acts of genius. Your system - body, mind, emotions - found ways to get you through things no one should have to figure out. Hypervigilance, people-pleasing, and emotional distance aren’t personality flaws. They were intelligent responses to impossible situations. So when you start to heal and those old patterns feel frustrating, remember: they were never mistakes. They were solutions.
The Grief of Letting Go
Why does healing sometimes feel like grief?
Healing asks something quietly enormous from us: it asks us to let go of the version of ourselves that made it possible to survive. And that’s where the grief comes in. You might miss “the you” who could power through anything. Or the you who didn’t feel so much. You might even feel guilty for moving on, like you’re betraying the one who got you here. But you’re not. You’re honoring them by letting them rest. Grief in healing isn’t just sadness - it’s tenderness.
The Space That Comes After
What happens after survival mode ends?
When survival quiets down, what’s left can feel unfamiliar. It’s strange to not always be scanning for danger. Strange to have choices instead of reflexes. Strange to realize that peace can feel unsafe when you’ve never had it before. This is the part of healing no one warns you about, the part that’s less “liberation” and more “relearning how to live.”
In the Therapy Room
How can therapy help you connect with your “survivor” self?
In trauma work, whether through EMDR, parts work, or otherwise, we don’t try to get rid of the survivor. We get to know them. We thank them. We help them understand that the danger has passed, and that there’s someone here now (you) who can take it from here.
And something beautiful happens in that process: the parts that once held pain or control or fear begin to relax. They realize they can stop bracing. They don’t have to protect you from the world anymore.
Healing isn’t about becoming someone else; it’s about getting to know the person who’s carried you through everything on a deeper level. If this resonates with you, take your time with it. Notice what stirs inside when you think about the version of you that had to survive. When you’re ready to explore what healing might look like now, reach out to our Client Care Coordinator to book a session.
Warmly,
Helene Bringsli, LMFT
