The importance of validation is something I emphasize with couples as it creates a dynamic based on understanding rather than score-keeping or proving right and wrong. In an emotionally charged conversation, it's common for individuals to focus primarily on their own emotional experience instead of their partner’s. Rather than listening to what the other person is saying, we may be thinking about our own response.
A common struggle for many of my clients in their 20s is navigating friendships. This includes friendship conflicts, growing apart, reassessing the closeness of the friendship, and defining what types of friendships feel fulfilling in which ones feel draining. In these conversations, we explore the importance of flexibility in friendships and why it becomes so much more pertinent during this life stage.
I have thought through every situation from every possible angle my brain can come up with and analyzed so much of my life and experience that it often feels exhausting. This “self-awareness” can start to feel incredibly frustrating when I have some understanding, yet I still find myself in familiar patterns or generally not feeling better. If this description sounds familiar to you, you might be intellectualizing your feelings vs. actually feeling them.
I recently stumbled upon the concept of animal chronotypes, which can be used to describe our personality traits based on our natural tendencies in social interactions and behavior. While these archetypes are often linked to sleep habits, they’re also super helpful for understanding how we connect with others. Each chronotype has its own unique traits and ways of navigating relationships.
We were discussing a painful experience, and I was once again struck and inspired by their resilience. In this situation, I found a way to express this sentiment in the moment. However, there are many instances where sharing in the moment might not be the most therapeutic response. Even when I don’t vocalize it, I want my clients to know I carry these feelings and this care with me. Reflecting on this, I began to consider all the things I wish my clients knew about me, about the therapeutic relationship, and the process.
Words are powerful. Often, their connotation outweighs their denotation. Throughout my learning as a human and as a therapist, I have found three words that stand out for their interpretation in an uncompromisingly negative light. These three words, “Control,” “Anxiety,” and “Ego” certainly do have negative attributes to them, however, they simultaneously have immensely important protective functions.
Flakey pie crust bakes in the oven and the aroma of cheese and tarragon wafts around me as I sit in my kitchen nook at sunset. Since childhood, the veggie pot pie has been one of my favorite dishes. I am instantly comforted whenever I smell it cooking in the oven. When I’m feeling under the weather, I find comfort in nostalgic smells.
I finally got COVID. After being quite cautious during the last 2.5 years of the pandemic, I was frustrated to ultimately get COVID simply from going about my everyday routine. When I get acutely sick, I tend to go through rapid stages of the grief cycle.*
First, I tend to go into an initial denial phase and tell myself, "oh, I am just tired," and then push forward with my responsibilities at home and with my virtual work.
Second, I get angry and think, "Oh, no. I might be sick. How could I let myself get sick at a time like this?!"
And after the anger subsides, the bargaining comes: "If I can get better super quick…like in the next day…I promise I will do more meditation and yoga, improve my sleep and reduce my stress level so that I don't get sick again."
Then comes the depression when the symptoms quicken, as I mope in bed and think, "Life is terrible. I am unhappy. What am I doing with my life? How did I get here? I don't care about anything anymore. I am so unmotivated. Am I depressed? Have I been depressed for months and not realized it? Nothing brings me joy anymore." Walking my dog and smiling with my latte just a few days prior now feel like a distant memory. The depression phase tends to be the longest as I lay in bed, and it feels like I have been this down and having these low thoughts for years.
I must decide during the depression phase to move into acceptance. The decision is to recognize that this pain and discomfort are temporary and that suffering and the depressive state are optional. I start to recall monks who meditate with discomfort and pain in the heat on top of a mountain. The sun will move from the hill, the day will cool, and the sweat will subside. Everything is temporary.
As time passes, I start to move into greater acceptance.
Here are five tips that helped me move forward from depression to acceptance to coping with acute illness, and eventually renewed joy:
Uh oh. You’ve found yourself in an anxiety-producing situation. Your heart begins to race, you begin to sweat, your breathing starts to quicken and your first thought is “I have to get out of this!.” Or maybe you’re not even in this situation yet; you’re just anticipating the anxiety to come. So what is this pesky feeling we call anxiety and how can we help ease it? Let’s first establish that feeling anxious is completely normal! If you think about the purpose of anxiety, it is to help you defend yourself. For example, if you see a bear in the woods, your anxiety would kick into gear and trigger your fight-or-flight response, to tell you that you need to get out of there! In that case, the anxiety is helpful in defending yourself; but what about in a job interview, or an exam? Do you need to be in an elevated fight-or-flight state for that type of situation? No, and your body knows that too. It is incredibly exhausting for the body and mind to maintain such high levels of arousal, and they will naturally try to bring themselves back to a normal state.
Relaxation skills and exercises are some of the most helpful techniques we can use to calm our stress response. What I love about these exercises is that most of them can be used discreetly in public, and they immediately help you regain control of your body. Here are my top 4 tools for managing anxiety in the moment, so that you can self-soothe, get yourself out of that fight or flight mode, and bring yourself back to calm.
I miss how I experienced my life Before The Pandemic or “BTP”. These days, my concept of time sometimes revolves around BTP and life After The Pandemic, or “ATP.”
I miss those long embracing hugs when first seeing a family member. I miss leaning in toward a friend at a coffee shop table and looking into their eyes as they share a story. I miss physical intimacy without the fear of getting sick. I miss signing up for workout classes at a local studio, sweating next to a workout friend, and feeling that shared sense of energetic community, without the fear that someone’s sweat will drip onto me and spread the virus.
BTP life used to feel balanced, joyful, harmonic, and expansive, whereas life ATP feels imbalanced, blah, chaotic, and cautiously small. It takes daily intentional effort to bring myself into balance and feel joy, harmony, and expansiveness.
As I write this, I am aware that I may be experiencing some of the symptoms of what mental health professionals are calling post-COVID stress or languishing. Some people have returned to a new normal and to the activities and routines they did BTP, including returning to work in person, hanging out often with friends and family, going to restaurants and events, attending workout classes, and traveling. Others, including myself, may continue to live a cautious lifestyle that looks noticeably different from BTP. Even if you have externally returned to BTP daily activities, you may relate inwardly to some of these post-COVID stress disorder symptoms.
The other day in a session, as I was trying to recall where I had recently heard about a specific symptom a client of mine was describing, I awkwardly realized I had just watched a video about it on Tiktok. Luckily, this happened with a Gen Z client who had taken to sending me relevant Tiktok videos in between sessions and we had a laugh together about my realization. A year ago, I could have never imagined saying “I saw it on Tiktok” in relation to mental health. Now, I find that more and more therapists are on Tiktok, and more and more clients come to session referencing videos they’ve seen. This realization got me wondering about the benefits and drawbacks of #tiktoktherapy, a hashtag that has 761 Million views. Here are some benefits and some drawbacks and cautions about Tiktok Therapy.
In a world filled with uncertainty, division, and endless options, making decisions is more complicated than ever. Many of my clients struggle with decision-making, spanning from something as minute as what lunchbox to purchase for their kids, to bigger questions such as whether to end a relationship or what career path to take.
Decision-making requires us to confront our humanity and build self-agency, which can present us with challenges and fears of failure or regret. Whether you have been struggling with day-to-day decisions or long-term life choices, here are some tools to help reshape your relationship to decision-making and overcome decision-making distress.
The “double-edged sword” is the concept that the same qualities and characteristics about your personality that make you kickass at work, can also hurt you in your personal life. The very thing that makes you so successful at work can also get the way in your intimate relationships.
Do you ever find yourself lacking motivation or feeling as if you’re just going about your days in auto-mode? I know I definitely do, and increasingly so these past couple of years!
Throughout the past two years many of us have unwittingly found ourselves in an ongoing state of existing vs. living. Existing is a state of numbness, operating on perpetual autopilot and clinging onto any semblance of routine and normalcy. Living, as a contrast, is the state of total engagement with life, feeling the broad spectrum of emotions, and being open to creative potential. The experience of existing can lead to a life devoid of creative expression, or what we might call writer’s block, creative slowdown, or lack of inspiration.
If you feel that you are suffering a creative block, the good news is that creative potential exists within you. Engaging with it is the key to unlocking hope and purpose—the two elements needed to awaken us from existing and elevate us into living. Here are a few ways to tap into your why and, by doing so, boost your creativity:
January is the Monday of the year. The holidays are over, it feels like there’s nothing to look forward to, you’ve returned from your travels (or moved from the couch to your desk), your kids are back at school, and you’ve started back up at work. The weather is bleak and there is less daylight (though I can hear everyone outside of Los Angeles rolling their eyes at me); life returns to normal, yet for many of us we don’t feel normal at all. We expect to start the new year feeling well rested, calmer and more grounded, and ready to make all of the changes in our lives that will make us a new and improved person. This all sounds wonderful, albeit unrealistic. If you’re struggling with adjusting to 2022, here are some ways to combat the post-holiday blues
