It’s not news that communication within a couple is one of the most important channels for implementing, reinforcing, and building connection in a relationship. Developing better communication is usually the primary therapeutic goal when I first meet with couples.
The holiday season can be such an exciting time for so many people — and it can also hold a lot of emotion that isn’t all joy and merriness. I’m sure we’ve all acknowledged that there’s a societal pressure to be cheerful during this season, and sometimes just that thought can feel overwhelming.
How do we know when it’s time to bring in a professional to help manage anxiety? And at what point is therapy really necessary? If you’re asking yourself some of these questions right now, now is the time to stop and reflect.
Think of communication skills as tools. They’re only accessible when your nervous system feels safe enough to access them. In moments when it feels challenging to access our regulation tools and our mind chooses reactivity instead, our brain is simply prioritizing safety over connection.
The longer we go avoiding the obligation, the stronger the pressure becomes. The stronger the pressure, the further away we get from wanting to work on or accomplish the “should”. And in the space between “should” and “done”, anxiety covertly burrows under, expands, and fills the gap like a thick, nasty stink-bomb.
When we experience disappointing responses to our efforts, it’s tempting to make that mean something about how unskilled we are, how incompetent we must be, or even how unlovable or undeserving of a person we feel we are. We tell ourselves a story that if we had just worked a little harder, or said the right thing, or “mastered” the extremely simple art of toasting toast, then we would receive a more favorable response and thus, feel better about ourselves.
Through my work as a therapist and within my personal life, I’ve witnessed the pressure of society’s beauty standards, and how it can greatly impact someone’s self-esteem and body image. While this experience is fairly common, there is a difference between temporary dissatisfaction with your appearance and a diagnosis. For someone with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), this preoccupation can take over your daily life, leading to a constant loop of anxiety, self-doubt, and shame.
