In my work as a therapist, I’ve noticed many clients experiencing a lack in their sense of self. Those who struggle with their sense of self tend to feel directionless, are overly self-critical, have low self-confidence and self-esteem, feel disconnected from their true identity, and prioritize others’ needs over their own. Though a lack of sense of self can manifest in different ways, the last piece of prioritizing others’ needs over their own is what ties all these clients’ experiences together. Almost all of my clients who struggle with their sense of self are people-pleasers.
There’s a line between people-pleasing and being empathetic and kind. We live in a society that highly values empathy. Empathy is a positive trait! The line tends to get blurred when we go beyond empathy and get so engulfed in the feelings of others that we put our feelings, needs, and wants to the side to elevate someone else’s.
Looking for ways to support my people-pleasing clients, I was reminded of an exercise I learned in graduate school that aids in the differentiation of self. This technique emphasizes identifying and maintaining your individuality while in relationships with others. Let’s try it together here.
I want you to imagine a vase. I think of mine as light blue and made of glass. You don’t have to be that specific, but it might help you with this visualization. Your vase contains all the different parts of your identity, such as your traits and characteristics, needs, and wants. Throughout our lives, we engage in multiple relationships, starting with our families. Some people we meet might have smaller vases than us, and because of that, they may struggle to keep everything contained. For example, my mother gets frazzled when dealing with emergencies, so she might not have room for “responsible” and “level-headed” inside her vase. A people-pleaser might approach this and say, “Hey, I have some room in my vase, why don’t I take on these traits?” Now, you’re probably thinking that “responsible” and “level-headed” sound like some great traits to have, and I am sure they come in handy during emergencies. However, when we take those traits or needs and put them into our vase, we push down our needs and wants to make room for them. So, yes, being level-headed during an emergency is great and was what everyone else needed, but what did YOU need in that moment? Did you need comfort and collaboration? Is there room for those needs now that you haven’t filled up your vase? This exercise aims to examine which traits are truly part of your identity versus which have been imposed on you by others. Once you notice the difference, you can take those out of your vase.
So I invite you to join me in an exercise to create your own vase, to help with people-pleasing tendencies, and get you on track to uphold healthy boundaries for yourself and others. Ready?
Grab a piece of paper and write down all the ways you would describe yourself.
Next to that list, draw a vase or bucket. Go through each descriptor and ask yourself these questions:
“Would I put this inside or outside of my vase? Why?”
“What’s the evidence around this descriptor?”
If it is outside the vase, “Why did I feel the pressure to take this on as my own?”
I want to emphasize that it doesn’t have to be “negative” characteristics that you’re putting outside of your vase. For example, I recently did this exercise with a client where we put “hard-working” outside of the vase. We got there after examining how much value their parents placed on success and hard work and how they felt guilty for resting and didn’t feel valuable in society if they were not working extremely hard. If you’re struggling to figure out which characteristics might correspond with these unhealthy core messages, try asking yourself, “What made me feel valued growing up?”
Bringing awareness to and breaking these people-pleasing patterns can feel like a daunting task, but it doesn’t have to be. If you want to learn more about your identity and how to set boundaries, the therapists at Root to Rise can help! Contact our Client Coordinator to find out which therapist would be best suited for your needs.
Warmly,
Root to Rise Therapy
