Bids for Connection
Last week, I observed a familiar and seemingly insignificant interaction between a couple walking into my office. As they walked up the stairs, one partner turned to the other and commented, “Traffic wasn’t so bad today, huh?” They received what I would best describe as a grunt in response. On the surface, this interaction probably seems completely normal. The comment was casual and didn’t necessarily require a response. No harm done, right? That was my takeaway, and often my response in the same situation, before learning the concept of “bids for connection.”
The phrase “bids for connection” was coined by husband and wife couples therapy powerhouse Julie and John Gottman. A “bid for connection” is any attempt for connection made by one person to another. These bids can be verbal, non-verbal, overt, or covert. We make countless bids for connection throughout our days within all of our relationships. For this blog post, we are going to focus on how this applies to our romantic relationships. The Gottmans have spent the majority of their careers studying what makes couples successful. Above any other factor, they have discovered that successful couples respond to their partner’s bids for connection. After decades of research, it all came back to these bids for connection.
After understanding the significance and impact of these bids, the first step is to start noticing them. Some examples of bids could look like:
· An attempt to catch your partner’s eye
· A hug or touch while you’re passing each other in the kitchen
· An observation of a cute dog outside
· Sharing a story about something that happened at work
· Showing a meme on your phone
· Texting an article or song you found interesting
· Asking a question
Do these examples bring to mind any recent bids you’ve attempted or received?
Once you realize how many bids, or attempts at bids, you might miss throughout the day, how will you respond to them? There are three typical ways we might respond, ranging from most harmful to most beneficial. Let’s look at these three responses using the couple from the example above.
1. Turning against: rejecting the bid in an argumentative or belligerent way. Sometimes, we do this without even realizing we’re being argumentative! This could look like the partner responding, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Traffic was really bad.”
2. Turning away: ignoring or missing the bid. This happens frequently when we’re not attuned to these bids and either don’t recognize the attempt as a bid or aren’t paying attention enough to notice the attempt altogether. This could, and did, look like one partner either noncommittally responding or not responding at all.
3. Turning towards: acknowledging the bid. This becomes much easier once we notice and prioritize bids for connection. This could sound like, “Yeah, it wasn’t so bad! It was great to not feel rushed getting here today.”
Once I became aware of how many moments in my day are acknowledged or unacknowledged bids for connection, I started reacting completely differently to these attempts. Sure, I might not want to look up from the book chapter I’m engrossed in when my partner comes over to show me a video on his phone. But how long would it really take for me to look up and respond, and how hard would it really be to get back to my book two minutes later? I’ve changed my natural reaction from barely looking up to intentionally slowing down and responding. These small moments have made a huge difference. That being said, it’s also important to acknowledge that we might actually be unable to respond to the bids in the moment, and that doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed! There are ways to respond to the bids that are connecting rather than rejecting them while still maintaining your own needs in the moment. Next time you’re in the middle of something and it does feel too difficult to pause for a moment, try saying, “I’m so excited to hear your story. Would it be okay if I finished this email and came to find you in ten minutes when I can be more present?” This response signifies a genuine desire to connect rather than a dismissal or rejection.
If you or your partner are struggling with noticing or responding to each other’s bids for connection, therapy is a great place to begin slowing down and reprioritizing these moments. Reach out to our client care coordinator to learn which Root to Rise therapist would be a good fit for your needs!
Best,
Jessica LMFT
P.S. If you’re interested in reading more about Gottman therapy and the Gottmans’ wealth of knowledge about bids for connection and other relationship principles, I highly recommend reading their newest book The Love Prescription. This is a transformative book to read alone or with your partner!
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