Error in Relationships: Why We Misread Each Other
Our brains can function like a metal detector, scanning our environment and filtering our interactions. We choose unconsciously or consciously what we are searching for, then set out to look for exclusively what we’ve pre-determined. We disregard anything that does not fall into that category. The tricky part is that metal detectors, like our brains, are not always accurate. Let’s look at this from a relational perspective.
We all come into new relationships with our own biases and blind spots. These can come from our childhoods, our past relationships, our internal worlds, and so many other areas. We usually have varying degrees of awareness about what these are and where they come from. The cruel irony is that we are often so fearful about recreating patterns and experiencing similar painful dynamics that we inadvertently become even more primed to notice and overinflate these characteristics. This psychological bias in relationships can skew our perceptions and lead us to misread signals.
In my own relationships, I’m especially primed to notice the experience of not being heard. Based on my own unique set of circumstances, this experience is a particularly painful one. Because of this, I work hard to cultivate relationships where I do my best to see and hear the people in my life and I work hard to allow myself to be seen and heard in return. Because this is so important to me, I am filtering my interactions with my friends, family, and husband to make sure this feeling exists. However, when we are filtering for this feeling, it is much easier to continue to find it. It can lead to a sense of hypervigilance, and our metal detector can start going into overdrive. Since my metal detector is so hyper sensitive to not feeling heard, I might interpret a response from a loved one as more invalidating or uncaring than they ever meant.
Confirmation bias refers to the false positives we create when these metal detectors are overactive. We can start to detect threats that aren’t actually there and continue to find information that fits into narratives we’ve already created. As a couples therapist, I see this play out in relationships all the time. So how do we recalibrate our relationship’s metal detector?
It can be tempting to throw away the metal detector completely and stop trusting ourselves and our feelings. However, this wouldn’t be accurate or helpful either. Every time the detector beeps, there is valuable information for us to learn about our relationships and ourselves. Our ability to notice patterns is a powerful form of self-protection. We want to appreciate the mechanism that is attempting to keep us safe, while slowing down the process and getting a better sense of the sensitivity settings.
Understand yourself filters
Start by identifying what your personal metal detector is filtered to find. This can be done through individual therapy, couples therapy, and any kind of self-reflection. Some helpful questions to explore:
· What experiences in my relationship tend to trigger my strongest emotional responses?
· What patterns from my past am I most afraid of repeating?
· What typically sends me into a defense or protective mode?
· When I am upset with a loved one, is there a story I typically tell myself?
· Have I ever felt this before?
Having more awareness of our own fears and stories helps us notice the hypervigilance in the moment. After gaining a greater awareness, sharing with your loved ones helps others understand your deeper feelings and past experiences. This allows for more understanding and compassion when these do come up.
Introduce other options
When our metal detector starts beeping, our automatic assumption absolutely might have validity. We don’t want to throw this answer out entirely, but rather check and see if there are any other possible explanations for the detection. Since we usually don’t know the full story in the moment, allow yourself to integrate other possibilities without disregarding your feelings. Your feelings are information, and many stories can have elements of truth. However, we just want to practice training our brains to consider multiple interpretations before settling on the one we fear most.
Test the options
We can’t be expected to know the answer without all the information. Before coming to a conclusion, ask! Asking for clarification in real time can feel vulnerable, but it creates the opportunity for more connection and deeper understanding. An example of testing the options might sound like: “I noticed that you were really quiet when we were out with our friends earlier. It made me confused and made me feel like you’re upset with me. I’m wondering if you’re upset about something, or am I misreading you?” These questions can open up the conversation and create a dialogue based on mutual understanding and healthy communication.
In romantic relationships, the goal isn't to find a partner who never triggers your metal detector. Though we can try to find them, this person doesn't exist. The goal is to develop skills to distinguish between real relationship triggers and threats versus the innocuous moments our brains mistakenly flag. This filtration system is a tool that can be used to improve your relationship and create an environment of intimacy and growth.
Our therapists at Root to Rise are all equipped to help you work through these moments of misreading signals, feeling confused by our perceptions, and working through our psychological biases. In couples therapy, we can work together to improve communication and create a shared understanding to recalibrate our metal detectors. Reach out to our client care coordinator today to get started!
Best,
Jessica Leader, LMFT
