Have You Ever Cried On Your Birthday?
I have held many friends at the end of their birthday parties as they wiped away tears, and I have had my fair share of cries on a day that is supposed to be celebratory. Have you ever cried on your birthday? If so, you’re clearly not alone. So why is that? And why do so many of us have such complicated relationships with our birthdays? Some people thrive, dedicating an entire month to celebrations and gatherings. Others prefer to let the day pass by without acknowledgement. As someone who used to identify as the latter group, I’ve figured out how to have a birthday that felt more authentic to me, and I’ve eventually learned to allow myself to be celebrated. Leading up to a client’s birthday, the topic tends to elicit strong emotional responses in all directions. I’ve learned to use my own experience to help clients better understand their relationship with their birthday and how to utilize the day for reflection. Here’s what I’ve learned:
Are Our Birthday Expectations Too High?
As much as we might believe we don’t care about others celebrating our birthday, we often unconsciously or consciously do. I’ll never forget a birthday where I explicitly asked for no gifts from my family and was devastated to learn that they listened. As much as we may hope that others can read our minds and figure out that we really do want some acknowledgement, this isn’t a fair ask. If you have expectations around the day, express them! You may be pleasantly surprised to discover that your loved ones are delighted to show up for you and celebrate you.
Are We Reliving Childhood Experiences?
Whenever I ask clients to recall past birthdays in childhood, the memories feel visceral and charged. Think back to some of your birthdays as a child. Maybe you grew up in an environment where birthdays were unimportant. Maybe your parents or friends were unable to show up for your birthdays for a whole host of reasons. If your birthday memories were not all positive, it makes perfect sense to have a conflictual relationship with your birthday. In therapy, inner child work can be incredibly healing in offering a corrective experience. What did you really want to do on your birthday but couldn’t? What would you like to receive? What would you like to feel? Celebrate your present self by celebrating your childhood self.
Do Our Birthdays Define Our Sense Of Self-Worth
If you identify with core beliefs around feeling unworthy or unlovable, celebrating yourself and asking others to celebrate you may feel difficult. Birthdays can result in attention and praise, which may be especially hard to accept. Though it may be challenging, I encourage you to explore how to have a day filled with self-love, even if it isn’t traditional. I personally like to have an especially good day that happens to be my birthday. I invite my friends over for takeout and a movie in comfy clothes. What does a really good day look like to you? Who would you be with? A really good day filled with self-love might not involve anyone but yourself, and that can still be a special birthday.
Some more reflection questions around birthdays:
Past:
· Is there a moment in the past year that you are proud of?
· What challenged you this year, and what did you learn from it?
· How have you changed since your last birthday?
· What did you let go of that no longer served you?
Present
· What are your associations with this age?
· What parts of your life today feel aligned with who you are?
· What emotions come up when you think about your birthday?
Future
· What do you want to bring into the coming year?
· Do you have a word or phrase you’d like to define your year ahead?
· What would make you feel fulfilled and content by your next birthday?
· Is there anything you’d like to let go of in the upcoming year?
If you relate to any of this experience, therapy can be great to process your relationship with birthdays, with aging, and with self-love. Reach out to our client care coordinator today to get set up with a Root to Rise therapist!
With love,
Jessica Leader LMFT