When we talk about “trauma,” we’re talking about an emotional or psychological response to a distressing event or experience. It’s not necessarily the event itself that’s traumatic but rather the way it impacts a person’s sense of safety, stability, or identity. Trauma often leaves people feeling overwhelmed, helpless, or disconnected from themselves or others.
I often use Gottman’s Sound Marital House as a framework to help couples build strong, healthy relationships. This theory breaks down into several key components that can enhance connection and resilience. One skill that stands out to me is Shared Fondness and Admiration, which involves openly expressing appreciation and respect for your partner (or friend).
The importance of validation is something I emphasize with couples as it creates a dynamic based on understanding rather than score-keeping or proving right and wrong. In an emotionally charged conversation, it's common for individuals to focus primarily on their own emotional experience instead of their partner’s. Rather than listening to what the other person is saying, we may be thinking about our own response.
A common struggle for many of my clients in their 20s is navigating friendships. This includes friendship conflicts, growing apart, reassessing the closeness of the friendship, and defining what types of friendships feel fulfilling in which ones feel draining. In these conversations, we explore the importance of flexibility in friendships and why it becomes so much more pertinent during this life stage.
I have thought through every situation from every possible angle my brain can come up with and analyzed so much of my life and experience that it often feels exhausting. This “self-awareness” can start to feel incredibly frustrating when I have some understanding, yet I still find myself in familiar patterns or generally not feeling better. If this description sounds familiar to you, you might be intellectualizing your feelings vs. actually feeling them.
We often seek validation from others when we feel vulnerable, believing that external reassurance will quiet our inner critic. But the truth is, while reassurance from others can provide temporary relief, the most enduring compassion comes from within. Listening to and elevating the voice of our inner advocate is the most effective way to challenge negative self-talk and increase self-compassion.
The purpose of a boundary is to protect our own wellbeing. It is not a punishment to anyone else or a selfish act. Setting a boundary with someone else means: when they do xyz [something that crosses your boundaries], then you will do xyz [something to promote your wellbeing]. Here are a few examples of boundaries:
Dopamine, often referred to as the "feel-good" neurotransmitter, plays a pivotal role in our brain's reward system. It's the chemical messenger responsible for feelings of pleasure, motivation, and reinforcement. And in today's fast-paced world, where stress seems to lurk around every corner, it's no wonder we often find ourselves seeking out dopamine in various forms.
In my practice as a therapist, I’ve worked with clients who present a wide variety of symptoms and challenges. Over time, I’ve noticed one valuable intervention come up and prove effective time and time again for all of these symptoms and challenges: grounding techniques.
I have always struggled with taking a break. Whether it’s scheduling an appointment midday, taking a self-care day, or going on vacation, I automatically experience guilt. However, as a therapist, I am constantly helping my clients carve out time for themselves on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis. It feels so clear when speaking to others that we must all step away from our daily lives and take time to recharge. Yet it’s been so hard for me to take my advice and FULLY step away.
In my work as a therapist, I’ve noticed many clients experiencing a lack in their sense of self. Those who struggle with their sense of self tend to feel directionless, are overly self-critical, have low self-confidence and self-esteem, feel disconnected from their true identity, and prioritize others’ needs over their own. Though a lack of sense of self can manifest in different ways, the last piece of prioritizing others’ needs over their own is what ties all these clients’ experiences together. Almost all of my clients who struggle with their sense of self are people-pleasers.
Imagine this: You’re about to speak in front of a group of people, and suddenly, your body seems to have a mind of its own. Your heart starts pounding, your palms get sweaty, and there’s that unmistakable fluttering sensation in your stomach.
Does this feeling sound familiar? Maybe it is set off by the fear of spiders, heights, or flying, but most of us have something that can make us feel paralyzed by fear.
Living in Los Angeles, even with its desirable year-round weather, presents mood challenges as the seasons turn.I know fall has arrived and we are heading towards winter when there is a subtle yet palpable shift in the weather: the sun begins to set earlier; a cold, crisp quality permeates the air; I start reaching for the jackets that have been at the back of my closet; I am exponentially more drawn to turning on my furnace instead of the AC unit as each day passes. I also experience an indistinct shift in my moods as the days get shorter and the nights grow longer.
As I type out these words, I find myself feeling overwhelmingly tired and in need of rest (in part due to the record-breaking heat wave taking over Los Angeles)… and so, I find it fitting to write about my experience. In this oppressive heat, I feel an all-encompassing sense of fatigue, trouble concentrating, eyelids drooping, and muscles feeling immensely heavy as I melt into the couch. Do these sensations sound familiar? As humans, we all need rest. That much is clear. So why do so many of us have such a hard time allowing ourselves to stop, slow down, and rest?
Over the years I’ve heard, and likely uttered, phrases such as, “I don’t have time to rest,” “I have too many things to do,” “I have no reason to feel tired,” “I don’t want to be lazy,” “I feel guilty when I rest,” and so on.
The way our capitalistic society requires us to operate is ultimately not sustainable. We are not computers… and even our computers need time to recharge! —and, to add to this metaphor, even a fully charged computer will begin to overheat and freeze up if it’s running too many applications at once!
Let’s start by reframing rest as productive—and move forward from there.
