You never imagined yourself here, and you can’t seem to wrap your head around this. It feels as if you were thrust into a nightmare, your entire world flipped upside down, and the ground has shifted beneath you. A flurry of memories cycles through your mind as you pick apart each one, replaying the timeline with the new devastating context of the betrayal: seeing yourself as invisible or replaced, like watching a film where your role has been cut. Was any of this even real? What we shared? Us?
Intrusive thoughts appear without warning - the visuals gut-wrenching and hard to ignore: your partner smiling at their affair partner, specific positions, facial expressions, how close they sat, how she smelled. These images creep into daily life too: the once neutral moment of seeing your partner on their phone has suddenly transformed into a mental projection of a whole scene: the message, the flirtation, the betrayal happening in real time.
Along with the obsessive mental replay comes a series of questions and confusion, with no satisfying answers. Questioning your own memory or perception: Was any of it real? Am I going crazy? Your own value: Was I not attractive enough? Desirable enough? Questioning the truth of who this person was the entire time, who now feels like a complete stranger. The compulsion to know everything: Who? What? Where? When? How? Is healing what I want? Is it even possible? What happens if I leave? What happens if I stay?
Your body is in survival mode, rapidly cycling between grief, anger, numbness, anxiety, sadness, and even shame. One moment you’re furious with your partner, and the next, you're aching for closeness and reassurance from them. You might feel isolated and embarrassed, unsure whether to tell friends and family about your discovery. Who can I confide in, and how much do I share? What would others think if I choose to rebuild trust, to give another chance? You might start to feel ashamed, like you let yourself fall for the lies. I was tricked, you tell yourself. Entertaining the idea of staying makes me the World’s #1 Fool.
The complete loss of safety in the relationship leaves you in a state of hypervigilance - checking texts, questioning details, scanning for lies at every turn. Seemingly unrelated things can suddenly cause a breakdown. Anniversaries, locations, or behaviors linked to the betrayal bring flashbacks. This relationship no longer feels like a safe space. You need them to fully understand the pain their betrayal caused. You need a sincere apology. Remorse. You need to understand why this happened, to make sense of this immense pain you’re carrying.
You might even start to wonder if you’re going crazy: Why can’t I stop thinking about it? Why does it feel like I’m reliving it over and over? Why do I still love someone who hurt me so badly?
Here’s the thing: You’re not alone, and these are all normal responses. Betrayal trauma is a valid and often deeply destabilizing response to a major relational injury. Research in neuroscience shows that betrayal trauma can actually affect the brain in a way that mirrors PTSD, making it all the more important to treat yourself with softness and care as you move through these very real symptoms. When someone we deeply trust - especially a romantic partner - violates our sense of trust and safety, the experience can be psychologically and physiologically destabilizing. Our closest relationships regulate our emotions, shape our identity, and anchor our sense of belonging. When that attachment is suddenly ruptured, your whole system goes into chaos, and your mind is simply trying to make sense of it.
Here are some important reminders as you’re moving through betrayal trauma:
Acknowledge That This Is Trauma
You're not "overreacting.” Your body and mind are responding to a rupture in trust and safety. Betrayal trauma impacts the nervous system and can mirror PTSD in the brain. Naming it as trauma is the first step toward healing it. Here’s how betrayal trauma can show up in ways that mirror PTSD:
Thoughts: Intrusive thoughts, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, confusion, memory lapses, and reenactments leaving you feeling like it’s happening all over again - even when it’s not.
Emotions: Intense mood swings (rage, sadness, numbness, fear), shame, guilt, self-blame, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, hopelessness, and feeling emotionally unsafe.
Body: Hypervigilance (feeling constantly “on guard”), difficulty with sleep, fatigue, appetite changes, headaches, nausea, and muscle tension.
Relationships: Distrust of others, even those who haven’t hurt you, fear of abandonment, withdrawal, difficulty feeling emotionally close or sexually connected, and conflicting desires for both distance and comfort from the person who caused the hurt.
Go Slow and Be Gentle with Yourself
You don’t have to “get over it” on anyone’s timeline, including your own. Healing from betrayal is layered, nonlinear, and emotionally intense. Some days will feel harder than others. That’s okay. You also don’t have to make a decision right now - whether you stay, leave, forgive, or rebuild. There is no rush. Safety and clarity come in phases. Give yourself permission to take this one step at a time. Try to ground yourself in the present by slowing your breathing, and grounding yourself back in the safety of your body using your 5 senses.
Resist the Urge to Blame Yourself
It's normal to wonder: How did I not see this? What did I do wrong? But their choice to betray trust was about them, not your worth. You are not responsible for someone else’s lack of integrity. It’s common to feel like you can’t trust your own judgment. Start rebuilding trust in yourself by honoring your gut instincts, boundaries, and inner voice. That voice didn’t disappear - it’s still there.
If any of this resonated with you and you need extra support - or if you and your partner are trying to rebuild after betrayal - we’re here for you. Reach out to our Client Care Coordinator today to find a therapist who can support you as you navigate this healing process.
Wishing you softness and clarity,
Kalie Pham, LMFT
