The importance of validation is something I emphasize with couples as it creates a dynamic based on understanding rather than score-keeping or proving right and wrong. In an emotionally charged conversation, it's common for individuals to focus primarily on their own emotional experience instead of their partner’s. Rather than listening to what the other person is saying, we may be thinking about our own response.
A common struggle for many of my clients in their 20s is navigating friendships. This includes friendship conflicts, growing apart, reassessing the closeness of the friendship, and defining what types of friendships feel fulfilling in which ones feel draining. In these conversations, we explore the importance of flexibility in friendships and why it becomes so much more pertinent during this life stage.
I have thought through every situation from every possible angle my brain can come up with and analyzed so much of my life and experience that it often feels exhausting. This “self-awareness” can start to feel incredibly frustrating when I have some understanding, yet I still find myself in familiar patterns or generally not feeling better. If this description sounds familiar to you, you might be intellectualizing your feelings vs. actually feeling them.
I recently stumbled upon the concept of animal chronotypes, which can be used to describe our personality traits based on our natural tendencies in social interactions and behavior. While these archetypes are often linked to sleep habits, they’re also super helpful for understanding how we connect with others. Each chronotype has its own unique traits and ways of navigating relationships.
We were discussing a painful experience, and I was once again struck and inspired by their resilience. In this situation, I found a way to express this sentiment in the moment. However, there are many instances where sharing in the moment might not be the most therapeutic response. Even when I don’t vocalize it, I want my clients to know I carry these feelings and this care with me. Reflecting on this, I began to consider all the things I wish my clients knew about me, about the therapeutic relationship, and the process.
The importance of validation is something I emphasize with couples as it creates a dynamic based on understanding rather than score-keeping or proving right and wrong. In an emotionally charged conversation, it's common for individuals to focus primarily on their own emotional experience instead of their partner’s. Rather than listening to what the other person is saying, we may be thinking about our own response.
Are you and your partner stuck in gridlock on an issue that never seems to get resolved? No matter how many times you’ve tried to make headway, neither of you can discuss the matter calmly, often ending up feeling frustrated and defeated. Researcher Dr. John Gottman describes these issues as perpetual problems within relationships—recurring issues without a clear solution or endpoint, leading to ongoing disagreement or tension. Perpetual problems stem from fundamental differences between partners, such as personalities, beliefs, priorities, upbringing, or values, which can be deeply ingrained and resistant to change. Dr. Gottman’s extensive relationship research suggests that approximately 69% of relationship problems are perpetual.
Instead of solely focusing on initiating sex, prioritize building emotional intimacy through positive interactions, including non-sexual affection. By allowing sexual arousal to naturally emerge from the playful, fun experiences that you’re both enjoying - laughing, talking, hugging, kissing, flirting - you can build a more satisfying bond without the agenda of having sex. In the midst of hanging out and having fun, your responsive desire partner may start to get aroused.
Have you ever confided in someone about a vulnerable topic, only to be met with some variation of “Don’t be sad” or “It’ll be okay!” While well-intentioned, these responses can be more harmful than helpful.
A couple of weeks ago, I realized I was in a funk. I started sharing my experience with a friend after working up the courage to ask for support, who immediately launched into a very cheery explanation of everything that makes her feel better that ended with “You’ll feel better in no time!” After the conversation, I was left feeling withdrawn and confused. Why had this made me feel worse? The advice she gave me (journaling, positive affirmations, headspace shifting, and exercise) was exactly what I would and have recommended to clients and friends. On top of that, I know she was trying so hard to help me and I felt ungrateful. The problem was, I KNEW all of the advice she gave me already, but it’s really hard to “just shift your headspace” or “just think positively” when you’re struggling to get out of bed. Whether or not it was her intention, the subtext I heard was that the way I was feeling was a choice I was making and I should just snap out of it.
When I first heard the term “toxic positivity,” it felt like an oxymoron. How could positivity be toxic?
It’s 7 PM on a Tuesday and your partner asks, “How are you? How was your day?” You stop to consider how to answer the question. You do a quick scan of your body and try to remember the day. Your neck is hurting from sitting at the computer, thoughts swirling in your head about that salty interaction you and your partner had that morning that went unaddressed, you just got a panicked text from your mother who needs you to call her immediately, you are annoyed with yourself for eating the peanut m & m’s when you said you wouldn’t, and to boot, you were up half the night stressing about a work project, so you were completely exhausted the entire day.
So, when your partner asks “How are you?” all you are able to muster up is the answer “I’m fine. It was fine.”
I’ve heard a few acronyms to describe the word FINE. F=Fucked Up, I= Insecure, N=Neurotic, and E=Emotional.
I also heard that FINE stands for Feelings Inside Not Expressed- a slightly more compassionate description. In my example above, from the neck pain to the disappointment in myself for eating the M & Ms, to the salty interaction from the morning, there were many feelings happening that were not being said.
Working with a therapist can help you address and reflect on lingering issues from childhood that might be impacting your ability to form secure and meaningful relationships as an adult. It can help you develop a sense of security as an individual that can be carried over into your relationships with others. Your therapist can act as that secure base, listening attentively and non-judgmentally as you take a deep dive into this journey of your past and self-exploration.
A benefit of this work can be focusing on understanding and rebuilding your trust in others and the world around you, as well as learning techniques to understand how to set clear boundaries with yourself and others. Working with your therapist, you can learn to “re-parent” yourself with love and compassion, and that can help you realize your purpose and replace those fearful thoughts associated with abandonment and being hurt by others.
Attachment theory recognizes four different types of attachment: anxious, avoidant, fearful-avoidant, and secure.
So you have read the first post in this series, Can Marriage Counseling Save My Marriage, and now you are ready to take the brave step to start couples therapy. Maybe you began researching marriage counseling, and you found that there are multiple approaches to marriage therapy like CBCT, IBCT, Gottman, and EFT, and you may have become overwhelmed. Do not get discouraged! We hope to answer some of the most frequently asked questions about the different types of marriage counseling and how to pick the right one for your relationship.
The structure and style of marriage counseling vary depending on the therapist and the couple's needs. There are various styles of couples counseling approaches that therapists may primarily utilize. Some types are more behavioral-based, some rely on a structured method, and some are more intuitive and emotionally focused. It is helpful to find out what style of therapy a prospective therapist utilizes and see if it suits you.
Online therapy has gained popularity since advances in technology platforms such as Zoom. Online therapy is synonymous with virtual therapy, which includes video platforms for services. During the start of the pandemic, a time marked by uncertainty and unprecedented changes, many people needed to give virtual therapy a chance. Virtual therapy is here to stay because it is a highly beneficial form of treatment.
I have supported people from across California. Often, my clients who tried virtual sessions preferred it and found it extremely helpful in the long term. Clients and I share an equally solid connection when meeting virtually. Sometimes we have found it even more effective in quickly getting to know each other and starting the therapeutic work. It has reduced many barriers (and excuses!) to not begin or do therapy consistently. It is now my preferred way to conduct therapy sessions!
Virtual therapy is here to stay because it is a highly beneficial form of treatment. Here are a few significant benefits:
It’s Never about the Tacos
We’ve all been there: those tiny trivial triggers that lead to big blow-up fights. Sitting across the table from each other with scattered taco fixings between you, wrist deep in guacamole, fighting about who left the spoon in the sour cream. Luckily, my husband and I were able to break down and process the The Great Taco Fight of 2022, and get to the core of what was going on. And you would never have guessed (or maybe you would): all the different ways we were triggered that had nothing to do with tacos (ex: I was hangry, he felt unappreciated, etc, etc.) The good news for all of us (myself included) is that couples therapy is a wonderful opportunity to explore these faster-than-the-speed-of-light escalations.
