“I feel so unheard and misunderstood.”
“How can I validate them when I don’t agree?”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, but I disagree.”
These are all phrases that I often hear in couples therapy. The importance of validation is something I emphasize with couples as it creates a dynamic based on understanding rather than score-keeping or proving right and wrong. In an emotionally charged conversation, it's common for individuals to focus primarily on their own emotional experience instead of their partner’s. Rather than listening to what the other person is saying, we may be thinking about our own response. In that, we aren’t truly listening. Validating statements allow the other person to feel heard and understood, and the best part is – you don’t have to agree or apologize to validate or sit with someone’s emotional experience. But how? Exploring this question is one thing I enjoy spending time on with many of my couples. Making small shifts in language can make the world of a difference; moving away from accusatory language and defensiveness to more emotion-based expression and validation of each other’s experience. Here are a few examples of how someone might respond to their partner (or within any relationship, for that matter) in a validating way, even if it does not align with their own perspective:
Types of Validating Statements
Summarizing Statement:
This involves repeating back what you’ve heard your partner say, either word for word or in your own words. It shows your partner that you’ve been listening and gives them the opportunity to clarify what they’re trying to communicate.Reflective Statement:
A reflective statement goes beyond summarizing their words by reflecting the deeper meaning or message behind what your partner is saying, even if they haven’t explicitly named it. This acknowledges the implications of their words.Empathetic Statement:
An empathetic statement focuses on stepping into your partner’s shoes and validating the feelings and emotions they might be experiencing, even if they didn’t directly say them. This can be especially powerful in helping them feel truly understood and heard.
Let’s use an example between Emma and Jake, a couple who are made up for the purpose of demonstrating how validation can improve dialogue and deepen understanding.
Context: Emma feels that Jake has not been as intentional or present in their relationship lately.
Example 1: Using Accusatory or Defensive Language
Emma:
“You haven’t been intentional or present in our relationship recently.”
Jake:
“Well, you’ve been distant too. I’m doing my best, but I have a lot going on. You act like I’m purposely ignoring you.”
Emma:
“You’re always making excuses and don’t even care that I’m feeling neglected.”
Jake:
“I do care and I’m sorry, but I disagree. I’ve been putting in effort—you just don’t notice.”
Example 2: Validation through Summarization
Notice how in this example, Emma is shifting away from accusatory language – “you xyz” – to more emotion-based communication – “I feel xyz.” Using non-accusatory language means focusing on her own feelings and emotions rather than Jake’s actions. Jake validates her experience by summarizing what he hears.
Emma (Original statement in “I feel” structure):
“I’ve noticed we haven’t spent as much quality time together lately, and I feel sad and disappointed in how little time we’ve had to connect.”
Jake (Summarizing Statement):
“I’m hearing that you’re feeling disappointed because we haven’t been spending as much quality time together lately.”
Example 3: Validation through Reflection
Emma (Continuing previous dialogue - focusing on “we” rather than “you”):
“Yeah, exactly. It feels like we’re drifting apart, and it hasn’t been recognized by either of us, which makes me feel really sad.”
Jake (Reflective Statement - sharing the underlying message of what is heard):
“It sounds like you’re fearful of us being disconnected and uncommunicative.”
Emma (Jake’s reflective statement created space for her to share more emotion)
“Yes, exactly. And I feel disappointed that we haven’t talked about that distance.”
Example 4: Validation through Empathy
Jake (Continuing dialogue - reflecting the said or unsaid emotion):
“I hear that it’s been frustrating for the distance to not be recognized. I’m sure that’s been lonely and hurtful. I’ve been really busy with my upcoming work project and I hear how that’s affected our closeness. I feel overwhelmed with everything on my plate right now.”
Emma: (Responds with validation and reflection of Jake’s experience)
“It sounds like the work project has been stressful and all-consuming. I’m sure it’s been hard to balance everything going on. I’m glad we’re talking about it now.”
The Power of Validation
In the first conversation, neither Emma nor Jake used validating language, which led to defensiveness and a lack of understanding. Emma was quick to assume Jake’s intentions and generalized the experience by saying he “always” does this. Jake provided a disingenuous apology, as the “I’m sorry” was followed up by a “but I disagree,” negating any validation that was previously given. Both Emma and Jake focused primarily on the other person's action, using “you” often, rather than their own emotional experiences.
In the following examples, Jake and Emma used different types of validation — summarizing, reflecting, and empathizing — making space for connection and understanding. Validating each other’s experience allowed them to communicate more openly and shifted the tone of the conversation. Though Jake hadn’t initiated the conversation, his initial validation allowed them to face the issue together, rather than feeling like they were against each other. I often emphasize this with couples as a “me vs you” narrative is common in conflict, even though both partners benefit from facing it as a team and a “we.”
Simply acknowledging and recognizing your partner’s emotional experience, even if you cannot authentically apologize or agree, opens the door for more connection. These small shifts in language can make a huge difference in how couples navigate difficult conversations, manage conflict, and maintain emotional intimacy. Couples therapy is a space to increase healthier dialogue, where we discourage assumptions and accusatory language, and encourage more curiosity and a deeper understanding of each other's experiences. I’ve seen and felt the positive transformation that these shifts can make, and there’s a team of clinicians at Root to Rise Therapy who are well-equipped to support you and your partner in improving conflict management. Reach out to our Client Care Coordinator today to meet with a couples therapist who best aligns with the needs of your relationship.
Warmly,
Sophia Rodriguez, AMFT
