Nurturing Friendships with Admiration
After hanging out with my close friend Scarlett recently, I started to reflect on the history of our friendship. Scarlett and I go way back; we met in a leadership program in high school. After ending up at the same university (GO GATORS), we grew closer through our farmer’s market hangs, art nights, and post-lecture shopping trips. During my last semester, my apartment was broken into, which left me paralyzed at the thought of returning home. Luckily, Scarlett offered me her couch until I could secure a new place. What a solid friend!
We stayed in touch even after I moved across the country to Los Angeles for grad school. Guess where Scarlett ended up for vet school? LA! We transitioned from late-night sushi runs in Gainesville to late-night sushi runs in LA. To this day, Scarlett checks in with me throughout the week to see how I’m feeling, how work is going, and to start scheming our weekend outings. She’ll playfully interrogate, “Crab legs and Fortnite on Saturday? Or should we go to a dance class or a spa? Shenanigans??”
I was recently reminded by Becky White, founder of Root to Rise, that while I’m a couples therapist, my work isn’t solely focused on nurturing romantic couples; it’s about all relationships! I pondered how I could apply my couples therapist toolkit to my own friendships. I often use Gottman’s Sound Marital House as a framework to help couples build strong, healthy relationships. This theory breaks down into several key components that can enhance connection and resilience. One skill that stands out to me is Shared Fondness and Admiration, which involves openly expressing appreciation and respect for your partner (or friend). In essence, it’s about intentionally and consistently sharing:
“I’m proud of you.”
“I’m attracted to you.”
“I’m impressed by you.”
“I like you.”
Specifically:
“I’m proud of the way you _____.”
“I’m attracted to your _____ (inside and out).”
“I’m impressed that you _____.”
“I like how you _____.”
These small affirmations can have a profound impact on the quality of our friendships. Think back to the last time you told a friend, “Hey, I really like you and enjoy spending time with you!” It feels wonderful to hear that someone appreciates and admires us, right? It makes us feel valued, supported, and closer to them. However, sharing fondness and admiration can feel vulnerable, which is why it’s often an underutilized skill.
Putting your feelings out there can be intimidating; it opens you up to the possibility of rejection, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past. Cultural norms may also make it seem less acceptable to express emotions openly. So, while sharing fondness and admiration can deepen connections, it takes courage. If verbal expression feels too uncomfortable, consider starting by writing down your thoughts and giving a note to the person instead.
Applying this skill to my friendship with Scarlett, I considered how I could share my fondness and admiration for her:
I’m proud of the way she believes in herself and stays persistent in vet school.
I’m attracted to her sense of interior decor!
I’m impressed that she can effectively neuter seven dogs in an hour.
I like how she always has the perfect joke or silly voice to make me snort-laugh.
On that note, I encourage you to take some time to reflect on how practicing shared fondness and admiration can benefit your own relationships and friendships. Here are some ideas for expressing these sentiments:
“I’m so grateful to have you in my life; you make everything better.”
“You always know how to lift my spirits. I admire your positivity!”
“I love how you see the world; your perspective is always refreshing.”
“Thank you for always being there for me. Your support means everything.”
“You inspire me with your creativity and passion. I’m lucky to call you my friend.”
“I cherish all the moments we’ve shared; they’re some of my favorite memories.”
“Your laughter is contagious; it always brightens my day!”
“You have such a big heart; I admire how you care for everyone around you.”
“I love how we can be ourselves around each other; it’s such a special bond.”
“You challenge me to be better, and I really appreciate that about you.”
If you’re ready to explore the power of shared fondness and admiration in your relationships, finding the right therapist can be a crucial step. Reach out to our client care coordinator today to discover a therapist who can help you navigate your feelings, improve your communication skills, and deepen your connections.
Take care,
Kalie, AMFT
