Can’t Relax, Even on Vacation? The Cost of Always Coping
You finally made it. The time off is here. Maybe you’re at the beach, in a cozy Airbnb, or just home with a quiet weekend ahead. You should feel relaxed. But instead, your mind’s racing. You keep checking your phone. You feel edgy, restless, maybe even more anxious than usual.
If you’ve ever wondered, “Why can’t I just relax?”, especially when nothing’s wrong, you’re not alone. For a lot of us, especially those who’ve spent years in go-mode, real rest doesn’t feel natural. In fact, it can feel kind of… uncomfortable.
When Coping Becomes a Way of Life
If you’re used to staying busy, being prepared, taking care of others, or performing at a high level, your nervous system might be stuck in survival mode even when life has slowed down. That constant “on” feeling? It’s not a personality trait. It’s a pattern your body learned to keep you safe.
Rest doesn’t always register as safety. It can feel unfamiliar or even threatening. You might notice:
• Trouble slowing down
• Guilt when you're not being productive
• Difficulty being present, even when things are calm
• Feeling irritable or restless when there’s nothing to do
This doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It likely means your body doesn’t know how to feel safe in stillness yet.
The Cost of Always Managing
When coping becomes constant, we often lose access to the very things that make life feel good. Ease. Joy. Play. Spontaneity.
You might look like you’re thriving, but inside you feel numb or disconnected. And it makes sense. If your body has been wired for vigilance, it may not know how to soften into rest. Not without support.
The cost isn’t just exhaustion. It’s the quiet grief of missing out on truly feeling your life.
What Rest Actually Takes
You don’t need to push yourself to relax. That usually doesn’t work anyway. Start by helping your body feel just a little bit safer in the quiet.
A few simple ways to practice:
• Take three slow breaths, letting your exhale be a little longer
• Look around and notice what feels comforting or neutral
• Let yourself do absolutely nothing for one minute
• Gently remind yourself: “I’m allowed to rest. I don’t have to earn it.”
These aren’t quick fixes. They’re invitations to build a different relationship with rest, one that doesn’t require proving or performing first.
If this feels hard, that’s okay. You’re not broken. You’ve likely been surviving for a long time. Therapy can help support the shift from coping to living.
You deserve more than just getting through the day. You deserve to feel peace, safety, and presence in your own body.
Ready to feel more at home in yourself?
If rest feels unreachable or unfamiliar, you're not alone. Our trauma-informed therapists are here to support you in the process. Reach out to our client coordinator to get scheduled.
Warmly,
Helene Bringsli, AMFT
