Shame vs. Guilt: Why the Difference Matters
What’s the Difference Between Shame and Guilt?
Shame can be one of the most painful and overpowering emotions in the human experience. It can feel intense, overwhelming, and really hard to talk about. Some people believe both guilt and shame are useful emotions that keep us aligned with our values.
After experiencing shame throughout my life and sitting with countless people struggling with shame, I strongly believe shame is a destructive emotion that does much more harm than good. Here’s a bit about what I’ve learned working with shame in the therapy space.
How Is Guilt Different From Shame?
It can be helpful to first distinguish shame from guilt:
Guilt says, “I did something that doesn’t align with my values.” It’s tied to a specific behavior and, while uncomfortable, it can inspire us to change or repair.
Shame says, “There is something wrong with me.” It’s not about what happened; it becomes a belief about who we are. And that belief often leads to withdrawal, deep self-criticism, or shutting down.
It’s the difference between “I made a mistake” and “I am the mistake.”
How Does Shame Show Up in Everyday Life?
Shame can show up in many different ways. For some people, it begins as a feeling of humiliation or fear and leads to beliefs like “I’m not enough” or “I’m too much.”
Sometimes it’s less obvious and shows up as over-explaining, over-apologizing, perfectionism, or harsh self-talk. Shame can also manifest physically—for me, it often shows up as a heavy pit in my stomach.
Where Does Shame Come From?
It’s important to know that shame usually develops in response to earlier experiences where our needs weren’t met or understood. Even if our families were loving and supportive, there were moments when we felt misunderstood, criticized, judged, or alone.
Shame tends to form around the idea that if we had been different, things would have gone better.
Why Does Shame Make Us Want to Hide?
The trickiest part is that shame makes us want to hide or isolate. It tells us that we can’t be seen, known, or loved in this imperfect state.
Funnily enough, one of the most powerful ways to reduce shame is by sharing the feared belief with someone who responds with care, reassurance, and safety. Although the last thing we want to do is share our shame, it heals in connection—not isolation.
How Can Therapy Help Heal Shame?
This is one of the reasons therapy can be so helpful. It allows you to look at shame alongside someone you trust, gain understanding, and respond to yourself with compassion.
If shame is something you’re struggling with, reach out to our Client Care Coordinator for support today.
Warmly,
Lauren David, AMFT
