Beyond the Surface: Understanding Emotional Safety in Relationships
Emotional safety is the core foundation in relationships. It’s vital for building trust, vulnerability and intentional connection. This foundation allows you to show up authentically in your relationships, and it also allows you to do so without fear of being judged or rejected.
When you’re emotionally safe in a relationship you can express emotions freely even when the relationship feels complicated and messy. In an emotionally safe relationship you can feel like any conflict or rupture won’t jeopardize the relationship, because your partner will nurture your vulnerability and hold you with care.
How do I build emotional safety in my relationship?
By encouraging nonjudgmental acceptance in your relationship, you are able to be your authentic self. Nonjudgmental acceptance comes from having trust in the relationship that your partner is reliable, sincere and has your best interest at heart. To build emotional safety, tune in to how your partner is feeling, validate how they are feeling without feeling rushed to fix the issue, and respond in a way that shows care and attentiveness. This process has many layers and is built over time through consistency and emotionally attuned interactions.
How to be an emotionally safe partner
Being an emotionally safe partner is such a valuable opportunity for not just your relationship with your partner, but also for your relationship with yourself. To be an emotionally safe partner, set the goal of listening to your partner, not to win, but to understand. Instead of jumping to solutions or unintentionally minimizing your partner’s experience, try validating their experience and asking clarifying questions to really understand their experience. Being an emotionally safe partner can also look like regulating your own emotions. You can do this through pausing before responding, naming your feelings (“I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now”), or even taking a break during heated moments with a set return time. When you and/or your partner are emotionally responsive (responding with care rather than anger or silence when you are in pain), it affirms to both of you that your feelings matter and you’re not alone in this.
How do I maintain a secure relationship?
Know and communicate your needs.
Everyone has their own individual needs in a relationship which help them to feel seen and fulfilled. Communicating these needs in a clear, direct way, such as “I need some validation right now – can you give that to me?” allows your partner to know exactly where to meet you.
Respond to bids for connection.
It’s hard to slow down and constantly find ways to connect with your partner in your busy day to day, but small everyday moments sometimes actually matter more than those big romantic gestures. A bid can be an attempt for attention or emotional connection. Tuning into moments such as texts, jokes, and hugs and responding with warmth and presence can be so affirming to your partner.
We all grow in so many ways in our relationships – emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Get curious about your partner’s inner world by doing a regular check in where you can ask, “How are we doing emotionally? Anything you need more or less of from me? What was one thing you appreciated about our relationship this week? What is one thing you’re looking forward to together next week?”
How Emotional Safety Supports Emotional Well-Being
I mentioned how emotional safety can benefit your relationship, but what’s in store for you as an individual?
Being in tune with your partner and creating a foundation of safety allows your nervous system to relax and be present in your relationship. You don’t have to “walk on eggshells” – you deserve that freedom.
Builds secure attachment.
You feel safe turning to your partner when you’re feeling sad, scared or anxious. This security allows you to increase your emotional resilience while also lowering your stress. You’ll be able to self-soothe and regulate when in a state of distress because you’ve established this healthy balance in your relationship.
Our therapists would love to help you build emotional safety in your relationships and figure out what it looks like to support your personal well-being. If you’re ready to take the plunge, reach out to our intake coordinator to schedule a session.
Warmly,
Monica Deyski, LMFT
