Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I know this isn’t logical, but I still feel it,” or “I wish I could stop being so hard on myself”? These are moments where different parts of us seem to be pulling in opposite directions, and they’re exactly the kinds of moments where Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can be deeply helpful.
When people think about repair in relationships, they often picture big conversations or emotional apologies. But most repair attempts are quieter than that. They’re easy to miss. They live in moments of tension when one partner reaches out, not with words, but with a shift in tone, a glance, a hesitant gesture.
And often, these moments fail not because they’re rejected, but because they’re unnoticed.
Along with the obsessive mental replay comes a series of questions and confusion, with no satisfying answers. Questioning your own memory or perception: Was any of it real? Am I going crazy? Your own value: Was I not attractive enough? Desirable enough? Questioning the truth of who this person was the entire time, who now feels like a complete stranger. The compulsion to know everything: Who? What? Where? When? How? Is healing what I want? Is it even possible? What happens if I leave? What happens if I stay?
We all come into new relationships with our own biases and blind spots. These can come from our childhoods, our past relationships, our internal worlds, and some many other areas. We usually have varying degrees of awareness about what these are and where they come from. The cruel irony is that we are often so fearful about recreating patterns and experiencing similar painful dynamics that we inadvertently become even more primed to notice and overinflate these characteristics. This psychological bias in relationships can skew our perceptions and lead us to misread signals.
When people think about repair in relationships, they often picture big conversations or emotional apologies. But most repair attempts are quieter than that. They’re easy to miss. They live in moments of tension when one partner reaches out, not with words, but with a shift in tone, a glance, a hesitant gesture.
And often, these moments fail not because they’re rejected, but because they’re unnoticed.
We all come into new relationships with our own biases and blind spots. These can come from our childhoods, our past relationships, our internal worlds, and some many other areas. We usually have varying degrees of awareness about what these are and where they come from. The cruel irony is that we are often so fearful about recreating patterns and experiencing similar painful dynamics that we inadvertently become even more primed to notice and overinflate these characteristics. This psychological bias in relationships can skew our perceptions and lead us to misread signals.
Self-awareness in relationships allows us to take ownership of our experience - not just what happened, but how we’re interpreting it.
