It’s not news that communication within a couple is one of the most important channels for implementing, reinforcing, and building connection in a relationship. Developing better communication is usually the primary therapeutic goal when I first meet with couples.
The holiday season can be such an exciting time for so many people — and it can also hold a lot of emotion that isn’t all joy and merriness. I’m sure we’ve all acknowledged that there’s a societal pressure to be cheerful during this season, and sometimes just that thought can feel overwhelming.
How do we know when it’s time to bring in a professional to help manage anxiety? And at what point is therapy really necessary? If you’re asking yourself some of these questions right now, now is the time to stop and reflect.
Think of communication skills as tools. They’re only accessible when your nervous system feels safe enough to access them. In moments when it feels challenging to access our regulation tools and our mind chooses reactivity instead, our brain is simply prioritizing safety over connection.
One of the most common things I come across with couples when working through an argument is their dissatisfaction with not seeing “eye to eye”. And I get it, it would be SO much easier if we could solve our relationship problems by looking through the same lens or flat-out agreeing on everything. But the truth is, we don’t. And guess what? That’s ok!
Many people expect that a steady, responsive, emotionally available partner will automatically feel calming. Instead, many people feel tense or suspicious when someone shows up in a genuinely healthy way. This isn’t a personality flaw, it’s a predictable attachment and nervous system response. So why is this?
In therapy, I frequently work with couples who have focused on togetherness and might have neglected separateness, or vice versa. We can spend so much time and energy strengthening our relationships that our own individuation can get neglected. Here’s some of what I’ve learned from working with couples
