It’s Never About The Tacos
We’ve all been there: those tiny trivial triggers that lead to big blow-up fights. Sitting across the table from each other with scattered taco fixings between you, wrist deep in guacamole, fighting about who left the spoon in the sour cream. Luckily, my husband and I were able to break down and process the The Great Taco Fight of 2022, and get to the core of what was going on. And you would never have guessed (or maybe you would): all the different ways we were triggered that had nothing to do with tacos (ex: I was hangry, he felt unappreciated, etc, etc.) The good news for all of us (myself included) is that couples therapy is a wonderful opportunity to explore these faster-than-the-speed-of-light escalations.
Usually, when we are triggered by something seemingly trivial, it's a good indication that there is a deeper issue lurking below the surface. Usually this deeper issue is related to an unmet need of ours- to be safe, to feel loved and cared for, to feel appreciated or acknowledged, to be valued and respected, or to feel understood, seen and desired.. Often we are triggered by something in the present moment that actually brings up stuff from our past. For example, a child who grew up with a parent with a bad temper might become very triggered at any sign that their partner is angry with them, even if their partner doesn’t show anger even close to the same damaging way that their raging parent did.
In fact, research shows that children that grow up in an abusive home or have experienced trauma are more sensitive to micro-changes in people’s facial expressions. Someone who grew up in an abusive home may have evolved to be hyper-vigilant or hyper-aware of emotional changes in their environment that indicate danger or a lack of safety. This was an adaptive strategy that helped keep them safe when they were young; however, when the child becomes an adult, the hyper-vigilance doesn’t serve them anymore, especially in their romantic relationships.
I like to help couples I work with identify what I call their red-light situations. A red light situation is a situation in which you are more likely to fall into your negative cycle than usual, and therefore should be treated with extra awareness and attention. The negative cycle tends to be “the place you go” when you fight with your partner. For example, one partner might be quick to feel abandoned and become angry with the other, while the other partner might be quick to feel unappreciated for all that they do. When we go into our negative cycle, both partners are triggered, and that’s when the blaming “you” statements, escalating “always” and “never” statements, “shoulds” and criticisms come up.
*Lisa and John’s negative cycle plays out when John goes out with his childhood friends. When John goes out with friends, he likes to be present with them and this sometimes leads to him purposefully not checking his phone or responding to messages from Lisa. Lisa then feels deprioritized and experiences fears of abandonment. John feels anxious to meet the needs of others, and has difficulty identifying his own needs and communicating them clearly to Lisa, whereas Lisa can easily jump to negative conclusions about events.
As couples start to be able to identify their red-light situations, they have the benefit of being able to prepare, in advance, together, for what could be a hairy situation for both of them. In anticipation of a red light situation, the couple can prepare for possible conflicts that have arisen in the past in similar moments, and think through together how to avoid some of that familiar gridlock. As I worked with John & Lisa over the years, they each learned to identify and own their cycle, understand more where the other gets triggered, and collaborate together on how to anticipate these triggering situations and be more attentive to one another.
The more we understand where our partner is coming from, the more compassion we can assign in the moment when we are triggered, rather than making negative interpretations about the other person’s behavior. So rather than John saying to himself, “Lisa is so controlling, she is always mad at me when I go out with my friends!”, he could say instead, “This has historically been a situation where I don’t communicate that well with Lisa, which triggers her own fears of being abandoned.” And rather than Lisa saying to herself, “John is so neglectful and I can’t trust him”, she can say instead, “John likes to be present with his friends and that’s why he’s not on his phone, but I know that I am a priority in his life and he will come home soon.” From this compassionate starting place, they can move towards one another from a more understanding and compassionate place, acknowledging the deeper issues coming up for one another.
I hope some of these suggestions have got you thinking about ways to avoid some of the common potholes and triggers in your relationships. Remember- it’s never about the tacos. A taco is just a taco ;)
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I’m not kidding when I tell you that couples therapy is amazing. I have seen couples make leaps and bounds and have personally benefited from it in my own relationship. I can't recommend it enough. If you are curious about whether your relationship could benefit from couples therapy contact us today to schedule a free consultation with our Client Care Coordinator.
Sending love (and lots of delicious tacos),
Becky