Splitting the Ambivalence
When I first heard the term “splitting the ambivalence” on Brene Brown's podcast featuring Esther Perel, my jaw dropped and I had to rewind and listen three times in a row. Granted, almost everything that comes out of Brene Brown’s or Esther Perel’s mouth makes my jaw drop (if you haven’t done the deep dive into either of them yet, I’ll link some highlights below*), but this segment hit me in a completely unexpected way. The conversation about splitting the ambivalence starts at the 40-minute mark, a timestamp I have memorized after sending it out to many clients and friends with this link.
“Splitting the ambivalence” describes the phenomenon that occurs when two people become so polarized in their stances that they are unable to step out of their positions. This occurs in relationships of all forms, but for this conversation I’m going to focus on romantic relationships. As Esther Perel describes it, “people come in with a story that is either/or” and the story becomes ‘I want one thing and my partner wants the opposite’. When one person adamantly says they want one thing, and the other passionately says no, it feels like one partner has 0% doubt and the other is 100% doubtful. Rather than meeting in the middle, one partner takes on one half of the perspective, which polarizes and puts the other half on their partner. I know this can all be a bit confusing in generalities, so here’s an example of how it can play out in couples therapy.
A large focus of therapy with Alex and Dylan** has been whether or not to move abroad. When the topic arises, Alex and Dylan instantly take on their familiar polarized positions and make very little progress in the conversation. Dylan appears ready and excited to move as soon as possible, while Alex becomes wary and needs more time and planning. Though they both ultimately DO want to move eventually, the conversation becomes Dylan=yes and Alex= no. The more Dylan pushes for spontaneity and change, the more Alex focuses on safety and preparation.
After a few sessions of “stuckness” as they went back and forth about the decision, I sent the podcast to Alex and Dylan. Our next session felt completely different. With Esther and Brene’s voices in their minds, each partner was able to soften their perspective and take their unwavering stance out of its corner. Dylan was able to recognize that Alex does want this move but is focusing more on the context surrounding the logistics, while Alex was able to recognize that Dylan also wants to feel prepared and ready, but wants to make sure they do move eventually.
When both partners knew the other was also thinking about all of the elements of the decision, they did not need to hold on to their perspective so tightly. When abandoning these polarities, they were able to form a plan that involved moving to England together once certain fundamentals were figured out. The session ended with Dylan thanking Alex for helping him have more stability and Alex thanking Dylan for helping her have more spontaneity. What ultimately occurred is that both partners were able to experience their full range of feelings about the move, rather than polarizing and moving away from each other.
I’ve started incorporating this concept into my own relationship as well. During a long drive to San Francisco where I had control of the aux cord, I put on the podcast for my partner and I to listen to (I know, really relaxing road trip material.) We fall into a common dichotomy: the spender vs. the saver. The saver (aka my boyfriend) feels like he has to be frugal and unwavering about saving since he feels like he is the only person thinking about finances in the relationship, while the spender (aka me) feels like she has to remind him to loosen up in order to have more fun and shared experiences in the relationship. In reality, our values and goals are only a small distance apart. Ironically, when my partner does decide to present a trip or experience that will cost us a big chunk of money, it frequently happens that I become more hesitant.
When we can hold our positions more loosely and come to the conversation with compromise and openness, there becomes more unification than polarization. During that car ride, we planned our next trip knowing that we BOTH want to feel secure and financially responsible while enjoying our time together and taking a much-needed getaway.
When reading these examples, do you relate to “splitting the ambivalence” in your relationship? Can you remember a time in any sort of relationship, romantic or not, where you fell into this dynamic? What did it feel like or bring up for you?
If you’re experiencing this split ambivalence in your romantic relationships, professional relationships, friendships, or familial relationships and are struggling to break out of these polarities, therapy could be a useful tool! Together, we can help step out of our corners and take a step towards each other.
I’m also including a list of additional resources from Brene Brown & Esther Perel below, because, well, they are both amazing, and we think this should be part of basic education ;)
*Additional resources:
Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability
Brene Brown: Listening to shame
Brene Brown: The anatomy of trust
Esther Perel: Rethinking infidelity
Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship
Esther Perel: The routines, rituals and boundaries we need in stressful times
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Warmly,
Jessica Leader, AMFT
** Names have been changed to protect confidentiality