Understanding the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
As a therapist, I often hear phrases like:
“They’re such a narcissist.”
“All my exes were narcissists.”
“She loves attention—total narcissist.”
“He’s so confident, it’s like he’s a narcissist.”
While these statements are common, they often reflect a misunderstanding of what narcissism truly is. There is a difference between someone having narcissistic traits and someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Just like any mental health condition, using the term casually can create a narrative around the diagnosis that isn’t always reflective of reality. Narcissism doesn’t always present in the way people expect – attention-seeking, selfishness, lack of empathy – it can come wrapped in charm, confidence, and charisma. Someone with narcissism can make you feel uniquely special by using admiration and affection. The wit, flattery, and mirroring often draws others in, making it harder to recognize the problematic dynamic and the behaviors that can emerge over time. So what is narcissism, really?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), as defined in the DSM-5, is characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. Individuals with NPD often have an exaggerated sense of their own importance, a preoccupation with fantasies of success or power, and crave excessive admiration. In some cases, they appear confident and driven; qualities that can contribute to success in certain areas of life, such as obtaining leadership roles, creating social connections, and ability to capture others through their creative endeavors.
For those in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic tendencies or NPD – whether a parent, partner, or close friend – the experience can feel captivating, destabilizing, and difficult to navigate. Long-term relationships with these individuals can leave a profound and long-lasting effect, such as:
Loss of self-identity: feeling disconnected from your own needs, wants, and values.
Cognitive dissonance: confusion about what’s real and what’s manipulation.
Hypervigilance: constantly anticipating mood swings or outbursts.
Emotional distress: anxiety, depression, self-doubt.
Isolation: pulling away from supportive friends and family.
With this understanding of narcissism in mind, take a moment to reflect on a relationship in your life—past or present—that has left you feeling confused, hopeful, drained, or constantly second-guessing yourself. Have you experienced a relationship that felt like an emotional rollercoaster, experiencing intense highs followed by crushing lows? If so, you may have encountered the cycle of narcissistic abuse.
Narcissistic abuse often follows a distinct pattern that can create dependency and control over you. The cycle consists of three primary phases: Idealization, Devaluation, and Discard, and then repeats. The cycle may often break with intermittent reinforcement that keeps you emotionally hooked.
1. Idealization: Honeymoon Phase
At the start of the relationship, someone with NPD or NPD-tendencies shower individuals with affection, attention, and praise. This can create an illusion of an intense, special connection, mirroring your dreams, values, and desires for a relationship.
For the victim, this phase can feel euphoric, and thus makes it easy to rationalize minor red flags. Afterall, this person appears to be everything you hope for in a parent, partner, or friend, which can foster deep attachment and emotional dependency.
2. Devaluation: Tension Building Phase
At some point, the behavior shifts and there is a slow erosion of self-worth. Small criticisms and subtle put-downs can begin under the guise of “concern” or “helpfulness.” Over time, these can escalate to gaslighting, stonewalling, belittling, and triangulation.
This phase can leave you feeling confused, anxious, and questioning your own reality. Naturally, you may work harder to regain their approval, believing if you just love or please them enough, the warmth and affection from the idealization phase will return.
3. Discard: Abuse Escalation Phase
This phase usually involves increased conflict, and the abuse can escalate when someone starts to voice concerns or assert boundaries. This can include cruel rejection, silent treatment, or outright abandonment.
This phase can feel devastating. The abrupt withdrawal of affection and validation can leave you feeling worthless, depressed, and desperate for closure.
4. Idealization Phase Repeats
When you begin to pull away or question the relationship, the individual with narcissism may return to the idealization phase, re-engaging with excessive flattery, promises of change, or expressions of love, only to revert to devaluation eventually. This back-and-forth, where you are alternately praised and criticized, keeps you emotionally hooked, unsure of their true intentions, and constantly striving for approval and validation.
Breaking the Cycle
Recovery from narcissistic abuse requires awareness, support, and self-compassion. Recognizing the problematic dynamic is your first step toward healing. Educating yourself on narcissistic behaviors to recognize the ongoing patterns, setting firm boundaries to protect yourself from manipulation, and seeking support from trusted friends, therapists, or support groups are key steps in navigating the effects of the relationship. Additionally, rebuilding self-worth by prioritizing your own needs, desires, and well-being is essential in regaining your sense of self and healing from the experience.
Breaking free from the cycle is the first step toward reclaiming your power, self-worth, and peace of mind. If you recognize yourself in this cycle, know that you are not alone, and there’s a team of therapists at Root to Rise Therapy who are well-equipped to walk alongside you. Consider reaching out to our Client Care Coordinator to set up a session with one of the therapists at Root to Rise Therapy. Healing is possible, and I’d love to join you on your journey to find it!
Warmly,
Sophia Rodriguez, AMFT
