Breaking the Cycle: How EFT Helps Resolve Repeated Arguments
We’ve all been there—stuck in the same old argument that keeps resurfacing no matter how hard you try to move past it. Maybe it starts over something small, like chores, but it spirals into something much bigger, leaving both of you feeling hurt and disconnected. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These recurring arguments can leave even the most loving couples feeling stuck. The good news? Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help you break the cycle.
Why Do Arguments Keep Repeating?
Recurring arguments often happen because couples fall into a negative cycle. This cycle has two parts: the trigger (the surface-level issue) and the emotional undercurrent (the deeper feelings driving the conflict). For example, an argument about chores might actually stem from one partner feeling unappreciated and the other feeling criticized. Because these emotional needs go unspoken, the same fight keeps coming back.
How EFT Works to Break the Cycle
Emotionally Focused Therapy helps couples identify and shift these negative cycles by focusing on three key steps:
1. Identifying the Cycle
EFT helps you see the cycle as the real enemy. It’s not you versus your partner—it’s both of you versus the cycle. Understanding the pattern lets you stop seeing behaviors as personal attacks and start seeing them as part of a larger dynamic.
2. Exploring Emotional Needs
Underneath every argument are deeper emotional needs, like feeling loved, valued, or safe. EFT helps you uncover and share these needs with your partner, fostering understanding and connection.
3. Creating New Patterns
With awareness of the cycle and underlying emotions, EFT helps you replace negative reactions with curiosity and compassion. This shifts your conversations from conflict to meaningful, productive discussions.
What Does This Look Like in Real Life?
Let’s take an example of a couple, Sam and Alex. Sam often feels ignored when Alex comes home and immediately starts scrolling on their phone. They argue about it almost daily, with Sam saying things like, “You don’t even care about me,” and Alex firing back, “I can’t ever do anything right for you.”
In EFT, Sam and Alex would work with their therapist to identify the cycle: Sam feels ignored and responds with criticism, which makes Alex feel inadequate, so they withdraw—which only makes Sam feel more ignored. Around and around it goes.
Through EFT, Sam might discover that what they really want is to feel prioritized, while Alex might realize they withdraw because they’re afraid of making things worse. Once they share these deeper feelings, they can start to break the cycle. Instead of criticizing, Sam might say, “I miss you when you’re on your phone. Can we spend a few minutes together when you get home?” And Alex might respond, “I didn’t realize how much that bothered you. I’ll put my phone away when I get home.”
Why EFT Works
EFT focuses on emotions, which drive behaviors in relationships. By addressing the deeper emotions behind conflicts, couples can create lasting change. Research shows EFT helps about 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery, with long-term improvements.
Taking the First Step
If you’re tired of having the same argument on repeat, EFT might be the solution you’ve been looking for. Breaking the cycle isn’t easy, but with the right support, it’s absolutely possible. If you’re curious about how EFT can help your relationship, reach out to our Client Care Coordinator today to schedule your first session!
Warmly,
Helene Bringsli, AMFT
