The importance of validation is something I emphasize with couples as it creates a dynamic based on understanding rather than score-keeping or proving right and wrong. In an emotionally charged conversation, it's common for individuals to focus primarily on their own emotional experience instead of their partner’s. Rather than listening to what the other person is saying, we may be thinking about our own response.
A common struggle for many of my clients in their 20s is navigating friendships. This includes friendship conflicts, growing apart, reassessing the closeness of the friendship, and defining what types of friendships feel fulfilling in which ones feel draining. In these conversations, we explore the importance of flexibility in friendships and why it becomes so much more pertinent during this life stage.
I have thought through every situation from every possible angle my brain can come up with and analyzed so much of my life and experience that it often feels exhausting. This “self-awareness” can start to feel incredibly frustrating when I have some understanding, yet I still find myself in familiar patterns or generally not feeling better. If this description sounds familiar to you, you might be intellectualizing your feelings vs. actually feeling them.
I recently stumbled upon the concept of animal chronotypes, which can be used to describe our personality traits based on our natural tendencies in social interactions and behavior. While these archetypes are often linked to sleep habits, they’re also super helpful for understanding how we connect with others. Each chronotype has its own unique traits and ways of navigating relationships.
We were discussing a painful experience, and I was once again struck and inspired by their resilience. In this situation, I found a way to express this sentiment in the moment. However, there are many instances where sharing in the moment might not be the most therapeutic response. Even when I don’t vocalize it, I want my clients to know I carry these feelings and this care with me. Reflecting on this, I began to consider all the things I wish my clients knew about me, about the therapeutic relationship, and the process.
As an associate marriage and family therapist, I often hear from clients about the common issues they face in their relationships. These issues can range from minor irritations to significant problems threatening the relationship's survival. Read on to learn about the ten most common relationship problems and the 10 most common causes of relationship issues based on my observations and research.
In an ideal world, the process of healing would only encompass feelings of euphoria and bliss as everything magically falls into place with the snap of your fingers. However, those of us who have gone through healing phases in our lives know that it never happens that way. There are many layers to healing that may involve unfamiliar emotions, discomfort, and a lot of turning inward.
Have you ever made lofty goals for the new year and then been disappointed when you stopped pursuing these goals after just a few weeks? Or have you fallen short of what you imagined you would do?
I used to make goals for the new year to symbolize the new me. I would then lose steam, take a break from the plan, and not return for weeks, months, or sometimes until the following year. If I did achieve the goal, the outcome would not match the fantasy in my mind.
My professor made a poignant remark during the days leading up to the fall and winter holidays that had the entire class laughing at the accuracy and relatability of the observation. He shared that the holidays are a humbling time for personal growth because you can think you have worked through and resolved most of your triggers in therapy until that first fall holiday family get-together.
When it comes to taking steps on your life path, you often hear people urging you to “follow your gut.” But what exactly does that mean? And if you aren’t following our gut, what are you following?
You have two choices: to primarily listen to either your ego or your intuitive inner voice. So how do you differentiate between the two? How do you know if you are “trusting your gut” or following an ego-driven desire?
Within each family unit, there are several subsystems. Subsystems can be thought of as allied relationships between two identified people within the family system, for example, parents are one subsystem, siblings are another, etc. Unlike subsystems, family triangles consist of three members. When triangles start to emerge, they can disrupt the functioning of the family system as a whole. If two family members are experiencing extreme tension in their relationship, similar to the example above, they might consciously or unconsciously look to bring in a third member to transfer that tension.
I have heard people speak before about this concept of believing that they are ‘too much’ when it comes to relationships. This belief can keep people self-rejecting, negatively spiraling, and making rules like "I should keep who I am all to myself and shut down because I am too much." It is a distancing fear-based act that signals sympathetic flight mode, which puts the nervous system in a place of stress where the hypothalamus that regulates mood, sleep, hunger, and thirst in the brain activates the adrenal glands which releases about 30 stress hormones. As a result, the body slows digestion, increases heart rate, shortens breath, and constricts muscles. These beliefs, rules, emotional, and physical responses can lead to a perpetual pattern of isolating and closing off from relationships.
If I asked you to name a vulnerable emotion, joy doesn’t present as the obvious answer. Instead, we tend to think about shame, loneliness, anger, anxiety, and other more traditionally “negative” emotions. So how is joy potentially the most vulnerable emotion we experience? Brene Brown answers this question in her research about foreboding joy, which she defines as: “the experience of joy immediately followed by worry or dread.”
So many of us have experienced this confusing phenomenon of mixed emotions without an understanding as to what or why this is happening internally. The feeling is so widespread that many idioms have attempted to illustrate this particular experience: have you ever thought, “This is too good to be true” or experienced the feeling of “waiting for the other shoe to drop?” I know I have experienced this long before I had a name for it. I remember one particular instance where I was looking over at my partner with love and awe, only to have the feeling transform into fears about the end of the relationship and how devastated I would feel. I also remember the intense negative self-judgment I experienced, becoming frustrated that I couldn’t enjoy a good thing and had to ruin it with these intrusive thoughts. Learning about foreboding joy has been illuminating and validating when thinking back on these memories.
I hear this same self-talk in therapy sessions every day. I have clients who describe not wanting to get too excited about a new relationship, not wanting to settle into a sense of calm at a new job, and generally not wanting to let their guard down in case the positive experience doesn’t last. So, why do we do this? Why does dread often follow joy?
So you have read the first post in this series, Can Marriage Counseling Save My Marriage, and now you are ready to take the brave step to start couples therapy. Maybe you began researching marriage counseling, and you found that there are multiple approaches to marriage therapy like CBCT, IBCT, Gottman, and EFT, and you may have become overwhelmed. Do not get discouraged! We hope to answer some of the most frequently asked questions about the different types of marriage counseling and how to pick the right one for your relationship.
The structure and style of marriage counseling vary depending on the therapist and the couple's needs. There are various styles of couples counseling approaches that therapists may primarily utilize. Some types are more behavioral-based, some rely on a structured method, and some are more intuitive and emotionally focused. It is helpful to find out what style of therapy a prospective therapist utilizes and see if it suits you.
