Family Triangles
The other day I was thinking about the arguments that my friends and I used to have growing up. The drama usually began between two of my friends, but I always felt pulled in at some point and was presented with the question “Well, whose side are you on? Who do you think is right?” Now all of a sudden I was playing a role in a conflict that had nothing to do with me and I knew that no matter what choice I made, one of my friends was going to feel hurt and isolated. This situation is an example of a process called triangulation, and when used within a family system, it can create some uncomfortable dynamics.
Within each family unit, there are several subsystems. Subsystems can be thought of as allied relationships between two identified people within the family system, for example, parents are one subsystem, siblings are another, etc. Unlike subsystems, family triangles consist of three members. When triangles start to emerge, they can disrupt the functioning of the family system as a whole. If two family members are experiencing extreme tension in their relationship, similar to the example above, they might consciously or unconsciously look to bring in a third member to transfer that tension.
One example of a family triangle is in a strained parental relationship where one or both parents brings in one of the children to align with them and against the other parent. The effect here would be to spread out the tension and among three people, leading to one person being the odd one out.
If we consider the previous example, a mother, let’s call her Janet, might have pulled her daughter Cecily into a triangle when having a conflict with her father, Jim. After arguing with Jim, Janet might go to Cecily and complain and make hurtful statements about Jim. She might even pose the question “Am I right? Are you on my side?” This is where the triangulation starts. If Cecily chooses to align with her mother, her father is going to feel excluded and attacked. However, if Cecily tells her mother that she thinks Jim is right, Janet is going to take on that excluded, outsider role. Given the tension that family triangulation brings, we might ask ourselves, why does triangulation happen in the first place? Why do we feel the need to drag someone else into our conflict?
Let’s think about it this way. If a child gets in a fight with his mom and she decides that he needs to be punished or grounded, the child is most likely going to be upset or angry at his mother. However, if his mother drags the other parent into the conflict and they both agree on his punishment, the child is now angry at both parents and the parents are sharing that responsibility and blame. The mother now does not have to sit in the idea that she is not the “favorite” or “better” parent.
How do we break up family triangles?
Triangles take on various forms with varying distributions of tension. It is important to recognize when triangles might form in your family and work to develop effective lines of communication and boundaries.
Communication:
Considering this example, why might it be beneficial for the couple to develop healthier lines of communication? By using Cecily to align with them and against the other parent, they are overwhelming her with difficult, adult emotions that she might not be equipped to handle. Additionally, by improving their communication in their relationship, they will not need to look to a third person to dissipate the tension when they can handle it themselves. This improved communication will also help them meet Cecily’s needs and enhance their influence on her as parents.
A great first step to improving these lines of communication is attending marriage and/or family counseling sessions. Working with a therapist to create a space to work on tensions and anxieties can be so impactful and prevents the pull to look to other individuals as tension reducers. It is important to note that the therapist in marriage or family counseling is an example of a healthy third person being introduced into the couple. The therapist acts as a non-biased presence preventing them from being pulled into this triangulation. Another skill that can involve the whole family is holding a “family town hall” once a week where every family member can openly express their concerns. It is so important that everyone has the space to air their feelings and concerns while maintaining the structures of the subsystems without members of the family being pulled into each other’s issues. This helps provide structure and comfort, knowing that no more than seven days will go by without something being openly discussed. If topics tend to get heated and some individuals find that they cannot voice their concerns, try incorporating a “talking stick” or another object that helps determine who has the floor at the moment.
Boundaries:
Why is it important to set boundaries in a family system? Boundaries are the ultimate form of self-care. Referring back to the family triangle example, we can ensure that we are not taking on the tensions and anxieties of others by establishing clear and firm boundaries. These boundaries can protect us from being sucked into triangles. Atalie’s blog post on setting boundaries does an amazing and detailed job of walking you through the steps! The first step in setting boundaries is recognizing your own personal boundaries. This involves asking yourself, “What do I need right now?” “What am I willing to contribute to this situation?” “How is this making me feel?” Once we can identify that, we can utilize assertive communication to effectively express our needs without feeling like we are attacking the other person or people.
It helps to use statements like “I feel (emotion) when (this) happens,” “I am feeling (emotion), so I need to step away at the moment,” or “I am feeling (emotion), it would be helpful if I received (this) right now.” By using these “I” statements and focusing on our own feelings and needs, we focus on the emotion over blame., This allows them to respond to us, respect our boundaries, and meet our needs without feeling defensive. The last step is to enforce these boundaries. Remember, enforcing our boundaries is a way to show ourselves and our family members the love and respect that we all deserve.
To learn more about Boundaries, sign up here to receive our free download 5 Tips for Setting Boundaries, a gift from the founder of Root to Rise Therapy, Becky White MFT.
If you’re interested in starting couples or family therapy or learning more about developing healthier boundaries and communication, the therapists at Root to Rise can help. Contact our Client Care Coordinator to find out which therapist would be best suited to join you on this journey!
Warmly,
Marissa Miara, APCC
