Foreboding Joy
“Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience.”- Brene Brown
If I asked you to name a vulnerable emotion, joy doesn’t present as the obvious answer. Instead, we tend to think about shame, loneliness, anger, anxiety, and other more traditionally “negative” emotions. So how is joy potentially the most vulnerable emotion we experience? Brene Brown answers this question in her research about foreboding joy, which she defines as: “the experience of joy immediately followed by worry or dread.”
So many of us have experienced this confusing phenomenon of mixed emotions without an understanding as to what or why this is happening internally. The feeling is so widespread that many idioms have attempted to illustrate this particular experience: have you ever thought, “This is too good to be true” or experienced the feeling of “waiting for the other shoe to drop?” I know I have experienced this long before I had a name for it. I remember one particular instance where I was looking over at my partner with love and awe, only to have the feeling transform into fears about the end of the relationship and how devastated I would feel. I also remember the intense negative self-judgment I experienced, becoming frustrated that I couldn’t enjoy a good thing and had to ruin it with these intrusive thoughts. Learning about foreboding joy has been illuminating and validating when thinking back on these memories.
I hear this same self-talk in therapy sessions every day. I have clients who describe not wanting to get too excited about a new relationship, not wanting to settle into a sense of calm at a new job, and generally not wanting to let their guard down in case the positive experience doesn’t last. So, why do we do this? Why does dread often follow joy?
Foreboding joy is a form of self-protection. When we experience true joy, we open ourselves up to the possibility of it being taken away. As a form of protecting ourselves from the possibility of future pain, we begin to “dress rehearse tragedy” before any tragedy occurs. For those of us who have experienced significant hurt (and I can’t think of anyone who is immune to this), the thought of experiencing it again feels almost unbearable. If we’ve experienced pain and letdown so many times, we may even begin to view it as an inevitable step following joy. Our mind does anything in its power to avoid the familiar excruciating experience and think, “I will never be blindsided again.” When we experience joy, we do not have any guarantee that it will last. In order to eliminate this scary sense of uncertainty, we prepare for the worst. I know I have had the misguided assumption that if I’ve already thought about a possible loss and played it out in my mind, it won’t hurt as badly when it arrives. In every situation, the loss has ended up hurting just as much, and I look back and wish I spent more time enjoying the joy. So how do we allow ourselves to experience joy after being hurt?
So what can we do about foreboding joy? Mindfulness has been transformative in my relationship with foreboding joy. After concerted effort and practice, I have been able to notice when my joy starts to feel intruded upon. I practice thanking my worry and dread for attempting to protect me while telling the feelings (and myself) that they are no longer needed here. I place the thoughts on leaves and watch them float down the stream. If they come back, I work hard to quell my inner frustration and mindfully let them pass again. Mindfulness has allowed me to open myself up to the vulnerability of joy without the fear of the foreboding thought. I love this Leaves on a Stream video to help control foreboding thoughts.
Practicing gratitude can counteract the “what ifs” that linger. Instead of thinking “my partner did the dishes today, but there’s no way this behavior is going to last”, try expressing appreciation that encourages the behavior to stick! I often work with couples that are wary of getting their hopes up in therapy if changes haven’t stuck in the past. It IS vulnerable to hope for change when change hasn’t happened. Often, years of unsuccessful effort brings immense pain. Sitting in the uncertainty of whether or not change will occur is stressful and painful. However, by eliminating the uncertainty, we effectively make certain that our what ifs will come true. Within the couples system, we have to give each other the opportunity to prove ourselves wrong. In reality, couples HAVE put in effort in the past to varying degrees of success. As a therapist, I remind couples that we have to believe things are different because they are sitting together committing to therapy, and investing in the relationship. We have to try again because the joy is worth it.
If you are noticing foreboding joy entering into your thoughts and relationships, you are not alone. The therapists at Root to Rise Therapy are here to help you let go of the past self-protection of foreboding thoughts and settle into the vulnerability of present joy. Contact our Client Care Coordinator to find out which therapist would be best suited for your needs.
Though I still too have to remind myself of this on a daily basis, joy can last and we are all deserving of it.
Warmly,
Jessica Leader, LMFT
P.S. This video of Dr. Brene Brown talking about foreboding joy with Oprah sent me down an eye-opening, powerful rabbit hole of self-discovery. I’m putting it at the end of the blog post in case the same happens to you :)
