Am I Too Much?
Reframing Core Beliefs
I confess that one of my pastimes is watching The Bachelorette. If you watched this season, you might have noticed many conversations about the contestants’ personal experiences with therapy and how much they’ve gotten out of it. As a therapist, I appreciate seeing how much pop culture increasingly speaks about mental health.
Gabby's journey intrigued me during the recent duo Bachelorette season. Gabby, the most recent Bachelorette contestant, shared some of the hardships of growing up with a mom who "was really physically affectionate, and then she would...flip and...withhold her love…If my mom could stop loving me, why can't anyone else?" She later revealed her estrangement from her mom to some of the men she dated. She was tearful and wondered if sharing was ‘too much’ for them.
Gabby possibly believed that she was ‘too much’ for the men she dated due to having an estranged mother who had withheld her love in childhood. Gabby was carrying around this heavy inner energy of ‘I am too much.’ When she shared her story with men, this triggered this inner belief. She sought reassurance from the men to see if they could handle her or to prove her belief that she was ‘too much.’
In one episode, three men shared that they preferred to pursue the other Bachelorette, Rachel. One guy handled the situation with respect and kindness towards Gabby, another guy from the season said Gabby was "rough around the edges," and the final guy shared, "even if…you were the only person here, I don't think I could have the heart to continue." The last two men spoke inconsiderately and rudely and did not handle those situations with the respect and consideration warranted. Maybe Gabby would not have been triggered at the moment if she had been spoken to consistently respectfully. However, life is full of challenging people and situations that may trigger core beliefs. These incidents brought to the surface the core belief for Gabby that she is ‘too much for people.’
During this triggering event, Gabby had the choice to either fall deeper into the belief that she is ‘too much’ for others or question and shift that long-held belief into something empowering. It took her some time; however, she was able to pick herself back up and reframe what she had initially thought was negative into a positive, "When it comes down to it, I want to be rough around the edges 'cause I know who I am on the inside and I'm f-king proud of it." This was a pivotal empowering proclamation for Gabby in her journey.
I have heard people speak before about this concept of believing that they are ‘too much’ when it comes to relationships. This belief can keep people self-rejecting, negatively spiraling, and making rules like "I should keep who I am all to myself and shut down because I am too much." It is a distancing fear-based act that signals sympathetic flight mode, which puts the nervous system in a place of stress where the hypothalamus that regulates mood, sleep, hunger, and thirst in the brain activates the adrenal glands which releases about 30 stress hormones. As a result, the body slows digestion, increases heart rate, shortens breath, and constricts muscles. These beliefs, rules, emotional, and physical responses can lead to a perpetual pattern of isolating and closing off from relationships.
I want to make it known that it does not make you 'too much' if you have gone through some form of trauma. It does not make you 'too much' if you had a challenging childhood. It does not mean you are ‘too much’ if you had a parent that was distant or hurtful to you physically, emotionally, or mentally.
And most importantly, you are not ‘too much’ for showing up courageously and with vulnerability in relationships.
If you believe you are ‘too much,’ it may be hard to fully accept what I am sharing with you at this time and reframe it into something empowering like Gabby did for herself. But Gabby shared that she has been in therapy before and has worked on herself to get to the place where she is now.
Here are a few ways to shift away from the isolating 'too much' that keeps getting triggered:
1) Go to the Source
One way a therapist can support you is by helping you look back on old belief patterns formed in childhood and holding a safe space for you to mentally, emotionally, and physically process the past hurts and heal from that belief.
2) Ask about your Positive Qualities
Ask a close friend or family member to share what they think are your positive attributes. It can be helpful to hear from someone who has known you and seen you overcome adversity over the years.
3) Free Form Writing
When you get triggered and believe you are 'too much,' find a private space to start writing. Write as big or small as you want and across the lines, and press down on your paper as hard or soft as you want! Get your feelings out on paper. Cry. Let the water drip onto the paper, freeing the emotions and past hurt. Do not filter yourself. Then take some breaths when you feel the emotional energy is released and your mind feels clear, and start writing down other possible truths that turn your old beliefs into empowering words to live by going forward!
To learn more about reframing beliefs and increasing your self-esteem, check out this article: Boosting Self-Esteem.
If you’d like a therapist to help you walk through this journey of healing, contact our Client Care Coordinator today to see which one of our therapists would be the best fit for you.
Warmly,
Root to Rise Therapy