In our fast-paced, technology-driven world, it can become easy to lose sight of one of the most fundamental aspects of our human nature—social connection. As social creatures, we are biologically wired to connect with one another, create strong bonds, and form lasting relationships.
Our senses play a pivotal role in how we form, store, and retrieve memories. This is because the brain areas responsible for processing sensory input are closely linked to the regions that store and retrieve memories. The hippocampus, which organizes and recalls memories, works together with the amygdala, the emotional center of the brain. They ensure that emotionally charged events are more vividly stored in memory. This link exists for both extraordinarily painful and joyful memories alike.
When we talk about “trauma,” we’re talking about an emotional or psychological response to a distressing event or experience. It’s not necessarily the event itself that’s traumatic but rather the way it impacts a person’s sense of safety, stability, or identity. Trauma often leaves people feeling overwhelmed, helpless, or disconnected from themselves or others.
I often use Gottman’s Sound Marital House as a framework to help couples build strong, healthy relationships. This theory breaks down into several key components that can enhance connection and resilience. One skill that stands out to me is Shared Fondness and Admiration, which involves openly expressing appreciation and respect for your partner (or friend).
The importance of validation is something I emphasize with couples as it creates a dynamic based on understanding rather than score-keeping or proving right and wrong. In an emotionally charged conversation, it's common for individuals to focus primarily on their own emotional experience instead of their partner’s. Rather than listening to what the other person is saying, we may be thinking about our own response.
Instead of solely focusing on initiating sex, prioritize building emotional intimacy through positive interactions, including non-sexual affection. By allowing sexual arousal to naturally emerge from the playful, fun experiences that you’re both enjoying - laughing, talking, hugging, kissing, flirting - you can build a more satisfying bond without the agenda of having sex. In the midst of hanging out and having fun, your responsive desire partner may start to get aroused.
The “rupture-repair cycle” is a crucial part of any relationship. As much as we don’t mean to, we sometimes hurt and let down the people we care about. There is some inevitability to this (though we should try to minimize it as much as possible!) but the repair after a rupture creates an opportunity for growth and reconnection.
It’s understandable to feel worried and confused about shifts in your relationship, especially when it comes to your intimacy and desire. Feeling like you're the one who always initiates sex, only to face rejection or reluctance from your partner, can lead to feelings of insecurity, frustration, and even loneliness. It's natural to crave that connection and validation from your partner, and when it feels like it's slipping away, it can leave you feeling lost and unfulfilled.
I recently came full circle as I started teaching a course as an adjunct professor at Pepperdine’s Graduate School of Education and Psychology in Malibu. I remember growing up and passing by the campus on our family trips to the beach during the summers, and just a few years ago driving up the winding road as a graduate student myself. This winding road up the campus was symbolic of the path I committed to, all the while being filled with curiosity of where this academic and career path would lead me. Time has elapsed and my personal journey is life-long. As a therapist and professor, I still find myself holding a deep stance of curiosity.
I absolutely hate icebreakers- and I feel like I’m not alone in this experience! Yet, it was the first day of the semester and I needed to ask certain questions to familiarize myself with my students. As I went around the room asking questions trying to make the icebreaker portion of the introductions as tolerable as possible, I included the question: “Where do you envision yourself in the future?” with the caveat, “This can change and potentially will!”. Some students had a clearly articulated vision, others a more ambiguous one. One of my students answered boldly that she didn’t know and was open to all the possibilities. As I sat in this room with humans with a certain vision and commitment to the path to becoming a therapist- my recent reflections on my own life and ambitions became more salient: whether you have a clear plan of what you want or are simply open to the possibilities, this inquiry is essential to navigating your direction: am I on the right path?
You’re Moving Towards Something versus Away From Something
One powerful way to identify whether you’re on the right path is to assess which direction you’re moving in. If you find yourself moving towards a path in order to avoid something else, it may be time to reassess. Many times in life it is essential to just be, as well as to know how to move away from situations that are not healthy for us. However, if you find yourself moving in a direction and want to know if it’s the “right” one (p.s. There is never a “right” or “perfect” one, just right for you!), it may help to think of the saying: “wherever you go there you are.” This saying has become a palpable teacher over the years during my travels. I would find myself in completely new environments, stripped away from all the familiarities and comforts of my daily life – and all that remained was me. I was much more clearly able to decipher the patterns, thoughts, and struggles that followed me no matter what geographical location I was in.
You Get Excited *Thinking* About It
When you’re with yourself, do you find yourself fantasizing and getting excited about the direction you’re moving in? Whether it be a career, academic, or creative endeavor, talking with others is one thing… but when you’re with yourself, what are the contents of your thoughts? We tend to be the most honest with ourselves when we are alone–and if we are not, our bodies definitely tell us! This is where I like to identify if my body is telling me that I’m experiencing anxiety/nervousness or excitement. Our body processes these two emotions through the same physiological mechanism, yet there are subtle differences. With both, you may feel more antsy and restless, but anxiety usually leads to avoidance and burnout, whereas excitement leads to purposeful engagement with the endeavor at hand.
You Feel a Certain Level of Competence
Sure, imposter syndrome can happen in every field. We are always learning, after all! However, if you’re on the right path *for you*, you may feel a combination of ease and competence with an energized motivation to expand upon your gifts/skills! This may be due to tuning into what you want versus what others want for you. There is a deep freedom that arises from us connecting ourselves as our starting point, and moving onward from there!
Your Life Feels More Purposeful
A telltale sign that you’re moving in the right direction is the feeling of your life being more full rather than busy. A full life can be a busy one, as can an “empty” experience of your day-to-day life. Pay close attention to whether your days feel full, instead of focusing on the amount of responsibilities and/or opportunities you have. Do you feel purpose in the majority of your day-to-day endeavors? Do you feel a sense of meaning that you are creating through your pursuits? As humans, we are deeply wired to seek and create meaning in our lives.
Finding the right clinician to help you ascertain whether you are on the right path for you can be a profound process! Please get in touch with our Client Care Coordinator at Root to Rise to book an appointment with one of our therapists today.
With gratitude,
Atalie Abramovici, LMFT
Clients often ask what self-care and mindfulness activities I recommend or find the most helpful. Since each person is different, their body and needs for self-care will be unique to them and my answer depends on the symptoms that the client experiences. Breathwork, meditation, movement, and positive self-talk are a few self-care practices that I often recommend or incorporate into sessions; all of which are informed by my own yoga practice and training.
There is so much complexity in relating to others’ experiences while effectively relaying our own experience! One of the most powerful practices I’ve adopted and shared with my clients is the art of holding two truths at one.
The relationship between you and your therapist is an extremely unique and special bond. Your therapist sees the most vulnerable parts of you. They hold you accountable to your goals while also being your biggest cheerleader. The relationship is built on an emotional bond of trust, care, and respect, and research actually shows that the strength of the therapeutic relationship is one of the strongest predictors of successful treatment. The therapeutic process is the rapport-building stage, the processing stage, the stage of change and/or maintenance, and the termination stage.
The phrase “bids for connection” was coined by husband and wife couples therapy powerhouse Julie and John Gottman. A “bid for connection” is any attempt for connection made by one person to another. These bids can be verbal, non-verbal, overt, or covert. We make countless bids for connection throughout our days within all of our relationships. For this blog post, we are going to focus on how this applies to our romantic relationships.
Laughter is a gift that keeps on giving in our social relationships. When we bond through humor, oxytocin is released, causing us to feel more connected and less anxious. I’ve deepened my relationships through the ever-growing list of “inside jokes” and recognize how powerful shared humor is in increasing feelings of trust and vulnerability.
