Have you ever noticed that sometimes the very thing you want to do the least is what would help you the most? When all you want to do is isolate, but the most beneficial step would be to pick up the phone and call a friend? When all you want to do is close the blinds and lay in bed, but you’d really feel better by getting outside? The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skill of opposite action can be helpful when we notice this behavior coming up!
Metaphors have a powerful ability to illustrate abstract ideas. I absolutely love using metaphors with clients to discuss more complex human experiences in order to add a visual and contextual layer from which to understand these experiences, most often being our relationship to our thoughts and emotions. Unsurprisingly, many of the metaphors I use relate to nature, which I view as the ultimate teacher.
Instead of solely focusing on initiating sex, prioritize building emotional intimacy through positive interactions, including non-sexual affection. By allowing sexual arousal to naturally emerge from the playful, fun experiences that you’re both enjoying - laughing, talking, hugging, kissing, flirting - you can build a more satisfying bond without the agenda of having sex. In the midst of hanging out and having fun, your responsive desire partner may start to get aroused.
Dopamine, often referred to as the "feel-good" neurotransmitter, plays a pivotal role in our brain's reward system. It's the chemical messenger responsible for feelings of pleasure, motivation, and reinforcement. And in today's fast-paced world, where stress seems to lurk around every corner, it's no wonder we often find ourselves seeking out dopamine in various forms.
The “rupture-repair cycle” is a crucial part of any relationship. As much as we don’t mean to, we sometimes hurt and let down the people we care about. There is some inevitability to this (though we should try to minimize it as much as possible!) but the repair after a rupture creates an opportunity for growth and reconnection.
The phrase “bids for connection” was coined by husband and wife couples therapy powerhouse Julie and John Gottman. A “bid for connection” is any attempt for connection made by one person to another. These bids can be verbal, non-verbal, overt, or covert. We make countless bids for connection throughout our days within all of our relationships. For this blog post, we are going to focus on how this applies to our romantic relationships.
So you have read the first post in this series, Can Marriage Counseling Save My Marriage, and now you are ready to take the brave step to start couples therapy. Maybe you began researching marriage counseling, and you found that there are multiple approaches to marriage therapy like CBCT, IBCT, Gottman, and EFT, and you may have become overwhelmed. Do not get discouraged! We hope to answer some of the most frequently asked questions about the different types of marriage counseling and how to pick the right one for your relationship.
The structure and style of marriage counseling vary depending on the therapist and the couple's needs. There are various styles of couples counseling approaches that therapists may primarily utilize. Some types are more behavioral-based, some rely on a structured method, and some are more intuitive and emotionally focused. It is helpful to find out what style of therapy a prospective therapist utilizes and see if it suits you.
It’s Never about the Tacos
We’ve all been there: those tiny trivial triggers that lead to big blow-up fights. Sitting across the table from each other with scattered taco fixings between you, wrist deep in guacamole, fighting about who left the spoon in the sour cream. Luckily, my husband and I were able to break down and process the The Great Taco Fight of 2022, and get to the core of what was going on. And you would never have guessed (or maybe you would): all the different ways we were triggered that had nothing to do with tacos (ex: I was hangry, he felt unappreciated, etc, etc.) The good news for all of us (myself included) is that couples therapy is a wonderful opportunity to explore these faster-than-the-speed-of-light escalations.
Marriage counseling is needed when couples continue to run into the same distressing communication issues or the same problems over and over again, maybe with a slightly different disguise. Oftentimes, we make negative assumptions about the other person’s intentions. In counseling you’ll have an opportunity to practice healthy communication by learning new ways to express your feelings when you’re hurt, and start listening to understand your partner’s perspective. You do not need to have experienced extreme distress to seek marriage counseling. In fact, if you are reading this blog and are interested in improving communication and closeness in your relationship, couples counseling will likely be beneficial.
Marriage counseling can help with trust issues, infidelity, parenting issues, relationship ambivalence, codependency, intimacy issues, financial disagreements, and can also offer a safe space for premarital couples to work out some of these issues before they marry.
