Move Out of Gridlock: The Dreams Within Conflict Approach
Are you and your partner stuck in gridlock on an issue that never seems to get resolved? No matter how many times you’ve tried to make headway, neither of you can discuss the matter calmly, and often ending up feeling frustrated and defeated. Researcher Dr. John Gottman describes these issues as perpetual problems within relationships—recurring issues without a clear solution or endpoint, leading to ongoing disagreement or tension. Perpetual problems stem from fundamental differences between partners, such as personalities, beliefs, priorities, upbringing, or values, which can be deeply ingrained and resistant to change. Dr. Gottman’s extensive relationship research suggests that approximately 69% of relationship problems are perpetual. This means that many issues couples face are not temporary conflicts that can be resolved through compromise or problem-solving techniques.
In essence, some problems just can’t be solved, and that’s normal! So, how can we move out of gridlock on a perpetual issue? Let’s explore a different approach to these conversations using the Dreams Within Conflict approach.
Many seemingly pointless and frustrating issues are not pointless at all; they are rooted in our deepest and most meaningful dreams, histories, and desires for our lives. The Dreams Within Conflict approach helps couples shift their focus from resolving surface-level conflicts to understanding and addressing the deeper emotional needs and aspirations underlying them.
Uncovering these deeper dreams within conflict allows couples to:
Cultivate a deeper sense of empathy, understanding, and support for each other’s aspirations and longings.
Transform their view of conflict; instead of seeing the issue as inherently negative, the Dreams Within Conflict approach views it as an opportunity for growth and mutual understanding.
Explore and better understand the root causes of issues to manage problems more effectively.
Ensure that both of you are in a mindset to understand, support, and create a safe space to share your tender dreams with each other. Then, try discussing the issue using these questions as a guide:
What do you believe about this issue?
Is there a story behind this for you?
Does this relate to your background or past experiences in some way?
Tell me why this is important to you.
What are your feelings about this?
Is there a fear or worst-case scenario in not having this dream honored?
Is there a deeper purpose or goal in this for you?
What do you wish for?
Example Scenario: John and Sarah have been arguing frequently about their spending habits and financial priorities.
Potential Gridlocked Dialogue:
John: "We have to cut back. Our spending is out of control. We can’t seem to agree on this. Every time I bring it up, you act like I'm the bad guy for trying to save. Maybe if you didn’t spend so much on unnecessary things, we wouldn’t have to worry about money all the time!"
Sarah: "I feel like you're always blaming me for our financial problems. It's not just my spending. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t spend any money without you getting upset. Maybe if you weren’t so obsessed with saving every penny, we could actually enjoy ourselves once in a while!"
Example Dreams Within Conflict:
John: "Remember when we used to talk about traveling, buying a home, and building a life that we both love? Those dreams mean so much to me, and lately, I've been anxious because I want to make sure we're on track to achieve them. I worry that if we don't manage our finances wisely, we might struggle to make those dreams a reality. It's important to me that we're both financially secure and able to do the things we love without stress."
Sarah: "Sometimes it feels like we're focused too much on the future and not enjoying the present. When we first moved in together, we talked about all the things we wanted to do—decorating our place, exploring new hobbies, and just enjoying each other's company. Those memories mean a lot to me, and sometimes I feel like we're losing sight of that joy in our day-to-day disagreements. Lately, I've been stressed because it seems like we're always arguing about money. I want us to enjoy our lives together in the present moment.”
Remember, the goal is not to win or to solve the conflict. The goal is to understand and to shift away from gridlock and toward open dialogue. If you find yourselves struggling to navigate these conversations on your own, couples therapy can provide a space to explore perpetual problems in a safe, productive space. Don't hesitate to reach out to our client care coordinator today to find out which of our couples therapists would be a good fit to support your relationship.
Warmly,
