Functional freeze describes the experience of shutting down and numbing while staying functional and getting through. Our physiology is essentially revved up but shut down.
Bids for Connection
The phrase “bids for connection” was coined by husband and wife couples therapy powerhouse Julie and John Gottman. A “bid for connection” is any attempt for connection made by one person to another. These bids can be verbal, non-verbal, overt, or covert. We make countless bids for connection throughout our days within all of our relationships. For this blog post, we are going to focus on how this applies to our romantic relationships.
The Cognitive Triangle
There has been a lot of buzz around Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) in the past several years, and many great self-help books and mental health apps have centered around the concepts of CBT. A key component of CBT is the Cognitive Triangle. This is the concept that thoughts, feelings, and behaviors all work together to influence each other. By working to target any of the three points on the triangle, it will naturally impact the other two. In therapy, the most common means of doing this is by challenging irrational thoughts in order to change feelings and behaviors.
The Inner Critic
Do these sound familiar to you? When you hear these messages, whose voice do you hear? If you’re picturing yourself saying these things, you might be experiencing life with a pesky inner critic in your ear. You might be wondering where this inner critic came from, especially if you’ve never experienced a day in your life where you weren’t critical of yourself. So did this inner critic just show up one day? Well, no, not exactly. I want to emphasize that you are not born self-critical. This is a learned behavior shaped by childhood experiences and upbringing.
Getting What You Want
People oftentimes feel that in order to maintain a healthy relationship, they can’t be assertive. This mindset can lead to feeling walked all over or taken advantage of, causing the relationship to feel one-sided. The good news is, this doesn’t have to be the case! Let’s talk about a behavioral strategy that will help you advocate for what you want in order to maintain healthy and mutually beneficial relationships.
Radical Acceptance
*Sigh* “It is what it is.” Depending on who you ask, this can be such a polarizing statement. For some, that statement signals giving up. It feels as if you’re agreeing with the awful thing that happened and not putting up a fight to change it. For others, it might also be an expression of frustration, as well as a judgment-free acknowledgment of their inability to change the current reality. If you’ve ever used this statement, ask yourself, what allowed you to get there?
Creating Momentum
Get Grounded
Have you ever felt so anxious that you couldn’t “rationalize” your way out of it? Maybe you tried to challenge your thoughts, disidentify with them, or outright dismiss the validity of them… all to no avail?
While utilizing our prefrontal cortex’s astounding ability to reason and problem-solve is a crucial component in managing our response to stressors, we often ignore our physiology in the process!
Elevate Your Goals
With the “What are your New Year’s resolutions” questions just passed, I reflect on why I dislike setting resolutions and why I usually give up on them by February. I found a common theme: I set extremely vague goals for myself. Last year I wrote down, “I want to be healthier.” What does that even mean?! That could mean incorporating more exercise into my daily routine or adding more nutritious foods into my diet, or meditating more often, but I did not specify any of those things. Since my goals tend to be so vague, it’s hard for me to measure my progress or be consistent, which results in me giving up on them a few weeks later.