The Trick to Getting What You Want…Respectfully
People oftentimes feel that in order to maintain a healthy relationship, they can’t be assertive. This mindset can lead to feeling walked all over or taken advantage of, causing the relationship to feel one-sided. The good news is, this doesn’t have to be the case! Let’s talk about a behavioral strategy that will help you advocate for what you want in order to maintain healthy and mutually beneficial relationships. Remember, advocating for your needs and boundaries is the ultimate form of self-compassion!
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive therapy that centers on four main components: mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotional regulation, and distress tolerance. The interpersonal effectiveness piece focuses on techniques to help you assert yourself, set boundaries, communicate more effectively, and engage in active listening. “D.E.A.R.M.A.N.” is a seven-step tool that can help you do just that.
Describe the current situation using only facts. Tell the other person exactly what is causing you to react a certain way. It may be helpful to try to remove yourself from the situation and speak as if you are an impartial third party.
Express your feelings about the situation. It’s never beneficial to assume that the other person knows how you’re feeling. Let them know by using “I” statements. This means speaking only from your perspective and not using “you” statements. “You” statements, even if not inherently blaming statements, can cause the other person to feel blamed and put their defenses up. This does not allow for engagement or productive conversation.
Assert yourself. This is where people tend to struggle, as saying “No” or asking for what you want can be uncomfortable at times. It is important to remind yourself that others cannot read your mind and know what you need unless you express it. By advocating for your needs, you are directly telling the other person how they can best support you.
Reinforce. If you think about it, we reward each other in relationships all the time. Even a simple “Thank you” acts as a reinforcement. Focus on explaining the positive effects of getting what you want or need. It might be helpful to clarify the negative consequences related to not getting what you’re asking for.
Mindfulness is key. If the person you are talking to tries to attack you or change the subject, stand your ground. Keep the focus on what you want and avoid distractions. Keep making your point and express your opinion over and over again. Mindfulness can help you stay present and calm throughout the communication.
Appear confident. Yes, this can be an uncomfortable situation, but maintain eye contact, use a firm voice, maintain good posture, and don’t whisper or look at the floor.
Negotiate. Focus on what will work. Ideally, you want to walk away from the situation feeling both individuals are satisfied with the decision. This means listening to the other person and hearing what they have to say after stating your side of the argument. Continue to assert yourself but offer to solve the problem in a different way that would make both of you feel satisfied.
Let’s practice!
Situation: Your daughter has been staying out past 12 am every night. You want her to enjoy her time with her friends, but you’re worried about her safety and want her to abide by a curfew.
D- Describe: Tell your daughter the facts. Mention that you’ve noticed her coming home past midnight every night, no matter what day of the week it is. If you remember the exact times she has been coming home, bring that information in to support your stance.
E- Express your feelings. Remember to utilize “I” statements. You might want to say something like, “I feel uncomfortable when I do not know when you will be home at night. I want you to enjoy your time with your friends, but I am worried about your safety, and I can’t help but wait up until you come home.”
A- Assert yourself. This is where you advocate for what you’re wanting and stand your ground. For this situation, you might say something like, “I would like you to come home by 10 pm every night.” You will most likely receive pushback from your child, but continue to reiterate this rule you’re setting.
R- Reinforce. Focus on the positives of this curfew. Remind her that she will be less tired during the day if she comes home earlier at night and feel more prepared for school. Tell her that it will make you more comfortable and that you’d be more likely to reevaluate the time if she shows that she can abide by this curfew.
M- Mindfulness. Avoid distractions and continue to focus on your point, even if your daughter is fighting against you.
A- Appear confident. Maintain eye contact and a firm voice when stating your point.
N- Negotiate. Listen to your daughter’s argument. Maybe you can come up with a middle ground where she can stay past curfew on Fridays and Saturdays. You can tie this into the reinforcement piece of her only being able to stay out past curfew on the weekends if she is home by 10 pm every day of the week.
D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is one of several interpersonal effectiveness tools that can help the way you approach relationships. If you’re interested in building your toolbox and learning more about DBT, the therapists at Root to Rise can help! Contact our Client Care Coordinator to find out which therapist would be best suited for your needs!
Warmly,
Marissa, APCC
