What is Typically Addressed in Structured Premarital Therapy?
Sometimes people assume couples therapy is predominately for married couples or couples in crisis, however, couples also commonly come to our practice for premarital therapy. Premarital therapy can support you on the preventive side and set you up for a happier marriage. In our sessions, I hear couples share how grateful they are for going to premarital therapy because there are so many facets of their relationship that they didn't think to address until they started. In 10 sessions, we touch on the following 7 premarital topics. Depending on your needs as a couple, we may spend further sessions addressing particular topics or practicing helpful tools.
Effective Communication
I start sessions with education around communication because no matter how normal your way of communicating seems to YOU, you may have a different communication style than your partner. Beyond the differing styles, you both could likely benefit from some coaching. We address listening actively, showing empathy, conveying respect, and demonstrating trust. Listening and showing empathy are skills that many people think they already do, yet often only partially do. Both skills are a must for a happy relationship. Since mutual respect and trust are key components of relationships, they need to be implemented in words and actions by both people in a partnership to come to fruition.
Intimacy
Intimacy is a lovely topic to address next since communication is foundational for intimacy. When your partner feels heard, they will feel safer to be more vulnerable with you. In romantic partnerships, many people share that they desire their partner to be their best friend. If that is the goal, then emotional, intellectual, active, and physical intimacy is a prerequisite. You do not need to have the same profession to find intellectual intimacy, and active intimacy can be developed through introducing each other to activities you start to enjoy together. Often physical intimacy takes up the most time during discussions of intimacy. Since long-term physical intimacy is connected to engaged communication and intimacy on other fronts, I usually start the topic by exploring different types of intimacy before talking about physical intimacy. When we start talking about physical intimacy, it feels like a natural flow from other conversations around intimacy, and it can feel more comfortable to discuss the topic.
Managing Conflict
With the tools to manage conflict, maintaining healthy communication and developing intimacy is more accessible. Unless shown otherwise, we tend to model much of our conflict resolution, or lack thereof, from our early relationships. Many people never receive the tools to safely express their negative feelings, to disagree without yelling, apologize beyond the typical "I'm sorry but…" or resolve real-world problems as a team. We spend time focused on learning new ways to face conflict safely so that you are able to reconcile and feel close again.
Financial Matters
Finances can create friction in marriages if couples do not discuss essential nuances of financial issues before getting married. Each individual brings their own money story and assumptions about how finances are handled in marriage. In therapy, we discuss your relationship to money, tendencies around saving or spending, future joint spending plan, and strengths with managing finances. I also like to have a little fun here, and imagine how you would allocate money as a couple as you earn more or if you were to win a sizable amount of money. You can also read more about our psychological relationships with money in this blog post!
Family & Friends
While you know you both had relationships before each other, you might forget this undeniable factor in the sweep of romance. You and your partner may have different ideas and expectations about the time you will spend together versus time with family or friends. You may be comfortable seeing your family for significant holidays only, while your partner likes to have weekly dinners and wants you to join once you are married. You may enjoy going out with friends every weekend, while your partner would prefer if you spent most of the weekend with them. Premarital therapy helps develop a shared understanding of how you will maintain and merge certain relationships once you are married.
Values
We explore values and morals based on upbringing, spirituality, religion, and culture. We will take time to explore your shared and differing values and morals. Even if you grew up practicing the same faith or are from the same culture, you cannot assume your partner's cultural or immigration story is your story. I have worked with couples born in the same country who have different relationships with their home country and assimilation to the US. It can be a beautiful process to unpack each other's cultural and spiritual stories with curiosity and reverence. Even if you have different values or morals, this can be an opportunity to appreciate your shared values and expand your mind to consider others!
Love Languages
Have you taken the love languages quiz? I like to touch on love languages to see that each person is showing their partner love in the way their partner prefers to receive love rather than how they want to receive love. I have heard many times in couple therapy that someone will, for instance, explain that they are giving their partner all of these gifts and that their partner does not appreciate the gifts, and then the partner shares in session that they would much rather have their partner give them a neck massage or play pickleball with them than be given a scarf. Then it clicked for the giving partner that they needed to speak their partners’ love language. Read more about love languages here!
All of our therapists at Root to Rise can provide premarital therapy. While each therapist differs slightly in structure and exact approach, I am confident you will benefit incredibly from attending premarital therapy at Root to Rise! Reach out to our client care coordinator today to get the process started!
Warmly,
Root to Rise Therapy
