Expectations vs. Standards
Have you felt disappointed in dating or frustrated while fostering a relationship? Whether you’re currently in a committed relationship or braving the new frontier that is modern dating, differentiating between expectations and standards can save everyone involved a great deal of time and energy.
Let’s break it down: expectations are what we impose on others, while standards are what we hold for ourselves.
Standards and expectations are different concepts that often get confused with one another. Ultimately, they have distinct meanings, and it’s important to understand each concept in order to have healthier relationships with others and ourselves.
Standards are not personal, as in, they don’t change from person to person or relationship to relationship. They have less to do with the other person and more to do with you and your wants and needs. In relationships, our standards are the qualities, behaviors, and traits that a person values and needs from their partner. For instance, one may have standards for honesty, trust, loyalty, or empathy. Without these traits and qualities from their partner, the relationship may not have the foundational values needed to thrive.
On the other hand, expectations are beliefs and assumptions about what will happen in the future or what one partner wants the other to do or be like. When we have expectations for someone else, we deliberately give our power away to an external source. Since expectations are often not communicated, they tend to lead to major disappointment for you and the other person. For example, you expect your partner to know just how important spending Sunday mornings with you is and will have read your mind to know that you want to share that morning cup of coffee every single Sunday. Since expectations can vary from person to person due to previous life experiences, cultural norms, or personal desires, it’s important to make sure we are not imposing them implicitly rather expressing them explicitly.
While standards and expectations can be different, they can also be interrelated. For instance, having high standards for communication may lead to an expectation that your partner will communicate with you regularly and effectively. Unmet expectations can lead to disappointment, frustration, or conflict in a relationship, especially if they go against one partner's standards or values. This is why it is crucial to understand your standards and expectations and communicate them openly. Doing so gives you more clarity on your standards (your non-negotiables) and your expectations (things that may be able to be compromised).
We are all responsible for our own needs and wants, so the next time you come across a situation that could lead to disappointment or frustration, ask yourself: “Is this a standard or an expectation?”
Getting clear on our standards and learning to manage our expectations is no easy feat! Finding the right therapist to help you explore these concepts and how they affect your relationships could be immensely valuable. Please get in touch with our Client Care Coordinator at Root to Rise to book an appointment with one of our therapists today to learn more about expectations vs. standards in your relationships!
With gratitude,
Atalie Abramovici, LMFT
