Understanding Love Languages
I want to start by saying I am OBSESSED with understanding love languages. I have read all of Gary Chapman's books and repeatedly take the love language quiz just for fun! I’m sure you have heard a lot of buzz around love languages and have probably taken the quiz yourself. What does it mean for you and your relationship with yourself and others?
Simply put, it’s a way to understand which form of receiving love and appreciation from others sticks with you the most. The languages themselves are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. You may find that you resonate with all of these languages, but one specific language speaks to you the most and makes you feel truly loved and supported when put into action.
Why is this important for a relationship? Sometimes you might feel that you’re putting in all this effort to show your partner you love them, but your effort is not appreciated. But what might actually be happening is that you’re not speaking the same language! If your partner’s love language is words of affirmation and you’ve been trying to show your love through acts of service, it could be having the same effect as you telling your partner “I love you” in Spanish when your partner only speaks French! This opens up another side to our love languages: what is your “giving” love language, and does it line up with your partner’s “receiving” language?
If they do not line up, that does not mean your relationship is a lost cause! Just like learning to speak German or Hebrew, learning to speak your partner’s love language is an intentional learning process. Let’s think of an example. Your partner might have expressed that they had a really rough day at work, and you want to show them your love and support when they get home. Your giving language might be physical touch, and you might have the urge to wrap them in a big bear hug when they get home. This is a great opportunity to stop and think: “What form of support will resonate with my partner the most?” Although you might feel the urge to show your partner physical affection in this moment, they might feel more love and support with words of affirmation. In this case, rather than the hug, try meeting them with “I love you so much, and I am so sorry that you had a hard day. Is there anything I can do to support you in this moment?” The intentional effort of learning your partner’s love language and how to speak it allows for a greater understanding of your partner’s needs and how to support them best.
The primary use of understanding love languages is to support and love our partner in the best way possible, but how can we utilize love languages independently? The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself, so let’s think about how we can love and treat ourselves in the way that resonates with us the most.
Words of Affirmation:
For individuals who identify words of affirmation as their primary love language, the words they hear from loved ones truly encapsulate their emotions and feelings inside. Hearing kind and loving spoken or written words have the power to show these individuals that they are supported and validated.
Words of Affirmations to use with your partner:
Words of Affirmations to use with yourself:
“I love you.”
“I am so proud of myself.”
“I feel so loved when you___.”
“I deserved this promotion.”
“You are so special to me.”
“I am worthy of the love I am receiving.”
“I see how hard you have been working.”
“I am grateful that I tried my best.”
“I find you so attractive.”
“I love my smile.”
“I love our life together.”
“I love how caring I am.”
Quality Time:
For people whose love language is quality time, they place importance on engaging in activities with loved ones and sharing uninterrupted time together. This undivided attention can deepen their connection and show them that they are supported and that there is dedication to the relationship.
Incorporating more quality time into your relationship with your partner:
Schedule it into your day.
Try to treat spending time with your partner as an important appointment or meeting. Schedule 30 minutes or an hour during the day where you and your partner can spend time engaging in an activity such as a game or going out on a date, or just sitting and talking to each other without phones or other distractions.
Plan date nights regularly
I was on tik tok recently and saw a couple talking about how they schedule two dates a month: one which requires them to go out of the house and one that is a “stay at home” date. I loved this so much because it shows that dates don’t have to be expensive or extravagant; no matter what you do it is just a great way to do something special and different with the sole purpose of spending time together.
Stay fully present with your partner
Try to start your day and end your day with meaningful conversations with your partner. Ask them about their day or the plans for their day over coffee in the morning or after dinner in the evening. Prioritize eye contact with your partner and be interested in what they’re saying. This means truly listening to your partner in a way that allows them to feel heard and validated, that is, without multitasking or interrupting them.
Engaging in quality time with yourself:
Take yourself on a date to your favorite restaurant or to see a movie that you’ve been wanting to see!
Go on a mindful walk or hike while listening to your favorite music.
Run some errands.
Go to a spa or a solo relaxation retreat.
Read a book at a local park.
Spend some time doing a puzzle or an arts and crafts project.
Acts of Service:
For individuals whose love language is acts of service, they tend to value more tangible ways of their partner showing love and support. They take “actions speak louder than words” to heart, and want to be shown that they can rely on and trust their partner.
Examples of acts of service for your partner:
Pick up some extra chores around the house when they are feeling overwhelmed.
Make them dinner if they are staying late at work (or just because!).
Take care of the family by giving them a day off.
Run errands for them.
Complete a project they have not yet had the opportunity to do or finish.
Take care of them while they are sick.
Make them lunch to bring to work.
Let them sleep in and make them breakfast.
Clean the litter box or take the dog out.
Take out the trash.
Wait to watch a show so you can watch it together.
Examples of acts of service for yourself:
Make your bed every morning.
Clean your room (for you!).
Cook yourself a comforting meal.
Take yourself to the hair salon, nail salon, or spa to get pampered.
Schedule a time to talk to some loved ones you haven’t talked to in a while.
Make your space cozy (light a candle, dim the lights, etc.) to allow you some needed rest and relaxation!
Pick up some groceries to make healthy and delicious meals for the upcoming week.
Schedule a mental health or relaxation day into your week.
Receiving Gifts:
For those whose love language is receiving gifts, they feel truly loved and valued when they receive physical tokens of love and appreciation. It is not the monetary value that shows the thoughtfulness, it is the idea that the person they love thought of them when they saw a specific present and chose an item they felt truly represented them and the relationship.
Unlike the other love languages, this one can be harder due to the financial component. Let’s talk about ways you could incorporate this love language into your weekly or daily routine without breaking the bank.
Pick up your partner’s favorite snack when out grocery shopping.
You could also do this for yourself! When running errands, pick something small out for yourself that is not on your list (shoutout to the dollar section in Target!).
When out to dinner by yourself or with friends, surprise your partner with a take-home meal or dessert.
Stop by your partner’s favorite store or bakery on the way home from work and pick them up a small gift!
(as you can tell by this section, food is my love language!)
Physical Touch:
Individuals who value physical touch as their love language feel particularly loved and affirmed by their partner through signs of affection. Holding hands, kissing, snugglings, a touch on the arm, and sex can provide such powerful emotional connection for these individuals.
Examples of physical touch with a partner:
Six-second kiss before you leave for the day and when you come home.
Dr. John Gottman discussed the power of kissing your partner for six seconds every day. Just six seconds is long enough to focus solely on the moment of connection with your partner. It has also been shown to reduce stress and boost oxytocin levels (the “love” hormone!).
Give your partner a massage after a long day.
When thinking about how much you love your partner, in addition to telling them, wrap your arms around them in a large bear hug.
Hold your partner’s hand often in public or in private.
Give your partner a squeeze on the shoulder to let them know you love them and are thinking about them.
Examples of physical touch with yourself:
Give yourself a hug!
Hugging yourself has been shown to decrease tension and cortisol levels (your stress hormone) in your body. It can make you feel safe and secure while boosting your mood and increasing self-compassion.
Rub your favorite lotion on your body.
Take a hot, relaxing bath and really focus on the physical sensations of lathering yourself with your body wash and shampoo.
Massage your hands and arms.
If you’re interested in learning more about how to support your loved ones best and care for yourself, the therapists at Root to Rise Therapy can help. Contact our Client Care Coordinator to find out which therapist would be best suited for your needs!
Warmly,
Marissa, APCC