The Best Valentine's Day Gift
Has your relationship felt icy or tense recently? Are you dreading Valentine's Day this year? Are you considering a big surprise for Valentine's Day to try to make up for the distance or in an attempt to stop the bickering?
Well, close your browsers on travel and jewelry, and put away your credit cards for now. I have a counterintuitive recommendation on how to save money and improve your relationship for Valentine's Day! This recommendation is based on research from The Gottman Method, developed from 40 years of observing couples.
Here is a primary key to improving your relationship in a way that is more effective in creating long-lasting relationship happiness compared to big-ticket item grand gestures on Valentine's Day.
Hear, Help, and Hug Your Partner
Notice your partner's needs, listen to your partner's needs, and take action to support your partner emotionally, practically, and physically.
What might this look like? What can you do?
The Scene: It is Sunday, and you are binge-watching your new favorite tv show.
Scenario 1: You just had a scrumptious brunch, and you feel relaxed, but you look over at your partner on the chair; their face looks tense, and their arms are crossed. You could…
Option A: think, "oh, what could be bothering them now!" and then decide to go back to watching your riveting tv show because you feel you need a good tv binge before returning to work the next day.
OR
Option B: pause your program, look with kind eyes toward your partner, and express a caring sentiment, such as, "I want you to know that I care about you, and I am here if you would like to talk about anything that might be bothering you."
The healthier choice for your relationship is Option B!
If you notice your partner tense up further and say that they are fine when they don't look fine, you can take that opportunity to inquire further. Before immediately turning the tv back on, wait, listen and encourage your partner to share. Demonstrate to your partner that their emotional needs are more important than the next plot twist.
Scenario 2: When you notice your partner looks like they are struggling to carry up the weekly groceries from the garage while you continue to stream your favorite tv show on Sunday afternoon, you could…
Option A: ignore them, keep watching, and then conveniently ask, "what is for dinner?" after the groceries are all brought up.
OR
Option B: pause your program, get off the couch, and move to the car to pick up those grocery bags.
Your relationship is far better off if you choose Option B!
Scenario 3: It is Sunday evening, and you continue binge-watching your favorite tv show when you smell the aroma of rosemary and garlic wafting from the kitchen. Your partner then shares that dinner is ready. You see your partner looking a little sleepy after grocery shopping and making the meal. You could…
Option A: go straight to your chair and start chowing down. After all, you are justified because you are hungry from the pantry being sparse with snacks at the end of the week.
OR
Option B: look at your partner lovingly, give them a warm embrace and a kiss, and thank them for making this amazingly aromatic meal!
While I know the hunger is real, I hope you chose Option B here!
These tiny choice moments on Sundays can either build resentment from your partner if you choose to turn away to watch your tv show or create a sense of increased satisfaction by helping your partner emotionally, practically, and physically. Over time, helping your partner can improve your emotional connection and bring about greater ease in your relationship. Choose to hear, help, and hug your partner in your everyday life opportunities!
Start Couples Therapy
Buying someone a diamond bracelet or a vacation to a 5-star resort may boost an already happy relationship by eliciting someone's love language of gifts, quality time, or physical touch. However, if a relationship is indeed on the rocks, it will only temporarily bandage the relationship. It will not be long before the bickering fights may begin again.
Is your relationship disconnected and consumed by triggering arguments that include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, aka what Gottman refers to as the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse'? Rather than a grand Valentine's gift, what can start to improve your relationship in the long-term is beginning couples therapy and getting support from a professional to reduce the cycles of the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' and to increase trust, understanding, and love for one another.
Gottman's research found that for every disconnecting moment in a relationship, it takes five positive experiences to turn the scales equal again. Enduringly happy couples have five positive experiences where their partner feels heard, helped, or hugged for every disconnect or irritating moment.
This year for Valentine's Day, have a romantic meal and commit to attending couples therapy.
Couples therapy can be a structured, supportive, expedited, and sometimes even fun way to lessen the seemingly nonsensical repetitive bickerings and help you deepen the understanding, connection, and closeness in your relationship in a way that can last.
The Gottman Method is one approach to couples therapy. To learn more about strategies for couples therapy, you can read my other blog on Couple Therapy Types. Our therapists at Root to Rise utilize The Gottman Method and different practical approaches to support hearing, helping, and hugging your partner and for you to be heard, helped, and hugged more by your partner! If you’re interested in beginning the process of connecting and hearing each other in a safe, non-judgmental space, contact our Client Care Coordinator today to book an appointment with one of our therapists!
Warmly,
Root to Rise Therapy
