Successful Co-Traveling
Traveling with a friend, a group of friends, or your partner can be incredible, but it can also be stressful in unforeseen and unplanned-for ways. I’ve had many clients talk with great excitement for weeks and even months about their upcoming trip with their partner, or their long-awaited trip with their mom to Europe, or their reunion trip with their sister to Australia. Usually, clients return from trips with amazing insights, new experiences, and great photos, but also some stories about the more difficult moments with their travel buddies. They tell me of moments of tension, annoyance, disagreement, difficulty negotiating needs/wants, and trouble with boundary-setting.
Having helped clients through difficult “co-traveling” scenarios, in addition to my own personal experiences traveling with loved ones, I know about the challenges that can come with co-traveling. Here are some ways you can plan and prepare and tips on how to best navigate your vacations with loved ones so that everyone gets to have the trip they want. This blog post probably won’t apply much to family trips with the kiddos– that would be a whole other conversation!
1. Establish boundaries to meet needs for togetherness/separateness.
AKA Taking "me time." Some people love being around other people constantly. Some people need alone time. These preferences can be related to whether you are an introvert or an extrovert. While I love being around people, I also need a good bit of solitude to recharge. Many of my travel buddies (best friends, partners) are perfectly happy to be around others continuously without feeling drained by it. Have these conversations with your travel buddy in advance. If you are the type that needs “me time,” talk to your travel buddy about what that means for you, how they feel about that, and how you will communicate about it together and work it into your travel schedule. If you like continuous company, check in with your travel partner to see if they feel the same, or honor their need for space if they express that.
2. Discuss individual desires for the trip.
If you’ve been working 12-hour days, are completely burned out, and all you want to do is lay on a beach drinking margaritas– a) here here! And b) know that and own it. If you have been feeling stuck and stagnant in your life and this vacation for you is all about shaking you out of your status quo, getting moving, seeing everything a new city has to offer, and adventuring- know it and own it! It’s totally reasonable that two people would not have the same idea of “vacation” at the same exact moment, and that is very OK. Have a chat with your travel buddy before the trip and let them know how you feel, check in and see how they feel, and decide how you will communicate about these needs as they come up.
3. State what you "want," not what you don't want.
AKA, be assertive and clear. Often we think being “nice” means being agreeable and not saying what we actually want. For example, a client recently got back from a trip with a friend of hers. She really wanted “me time,” but instead of saying so, whenever her friend suggested they do something, her response was to encourage the friend to go without her. It sounded something like, “Hmm, I don’t want to do that, but you could totally go without me!” The friend’s response to her, over and over, was something like, “Oh, that’s ok! If you don’t want to do it, then we don’t have to.” This statement sent them back into the loop of negotiating what to do next.
I encouraged the client that rather than suggesting her friend “could go without her,” she be very clear and specific about what she wants. So she could say something like, “You know, I’m noticing that I really just want some alone time now. If you go and do that adventure by yourself, it would actually give me some time alone in the room to journal/nap/read/be alone with my thoughts/etc. Then I’ll be all refreshed, and we can meet up for a yummy dinner!”
Sometimes, we shy away from stating what we want. We don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, but in actuality, stating what you want will save everyone a lot of confusion and frustration. To learn more about boundaries, read Atalie’s post about setting boundaries or subscribe to our newsletter to receive my free Boundaries Download!
4. Plan ahead - how will you get your “me time”?
If you are one of the people that needs alone time while traveling, it can be really helpful to plan ahead what you will do during that time. Some great examples that have worked for me are: reading quietly, going on a solo walk with a podcast playing, streaming a yoga class, and napping. If you are one of those folks that want to soak up everything that a city has to offer, think ahead about how you will get your adventure time. Can you sign up for group tours or do a solo walking tour of the city?
5. Discuss finances in advance.
Decide before the trip if you are going to have splurgy meals and activities. Also, discuss whether this will be a trip where keeping expenses low is a priority. This will require advance planning and discussion. If you are in a better financial position than your travel buddy, offer to pay for some meals. I was recently quoted in a LAT article talking about budgeting on trips with friend groups, and that article has tons of other great suggestions on this topic too.
6. Think about differing food needs.
Eating while co-traveling has always been hard for me. Especially before the Airbnb days, traveling meant eating out for every meal, which always makes me feel bloated and sick. If you are someone that has a sensitive stomach, make sure to discuss with your travel buddy about food restrictions and how to keep some meals simple and fresh. If you or your travel buddy wants to taste all of the local cuisine, talk about how you can also meet this need. Make this a priority, and respect one another in the process.
It may seem like a person who needs “me time” and a person who wants to “soak up the city” would not be good travel buddies– but with the above tips, I believe it is absolutely possible to have a wonderful and satisfying vacation. It’s all about communication and having a plan for rest and independent adventure time. While one of you is out adventuring, it’s the perfect time for the other to relax in the quiet room with the shades drawn! It takes solid communication and lots of respect for one another’s visions for their own vacations, but I’m confident you can do it! :)
If navigating travel or differing needs in your relationships has been a struggle for you, therapy can help you find your voice, learn to assert boundaries, and develop compassion for your own needs and the needs of your loved ones. Contact our Client Care Coordinator today to find out which one of our therapists would be best suited to help you!
Warmly,
Becky White LMFT