"But You Aren't Listening!"
How to get your honey to listen—and actually understand—what you are saying.
How many times have you had the feeling that even though your honey was listening to you, they weren’t actually hearing you? How would you like to learn the secret to effective communication so that you can feel both heard AND understood? Often when couples call me, they are having trouble communicating. They find themselves stuck in the same conversational pattern over and over. It may be different topics, but the conversation is the same. More frequently than not, rather than really listening to our partners, we are formulating our response while our partner is talking. What happens then is that nobody feels heard, nobody feels acknowledged, nobody feels understood, and this wedge drives couples further and further away from the intimacy and secure attachment that we all crave so deeply and is available to all us.
While many of us consider ourselves to be “good listeners”, the truth is that many of us do not really listen well. The skill of Active Listening can move you and your beloved lightyears forward in your ability to communicate effectively with one another. Here are 6 Quick Tips to improve communication in your relationship.
Tip #1: One of my favorite communication skills to work with in Couples Counseling is that of Reflective Listening. This tool is so simple yet yields dramatic results. When we listen to our partners speak, even if we truly are understanding what they are saying, we are often thinking about our response as they are speaking. Then when it’s our turn, we will respond with our carefully crafted perspective which highlights our own feelings.
Next time you and your honey are experiencing a conflict, try this: begin with reflecting what you just heard them say. This can be done through simply repeating what you heard them say, or paraphrasing (i.e. using different words to communicate the same idea.) Do not include any of your own thoughts, perspective, or reactions. Then, ask your partner if you heard them correctly. If they did not feel you heard them correctly, ask to clarify what part you could have heard them better, then do another reflection. Once they respond and let you know that you heard them correctly, you can then move on with stating your own feelings and beliefs.
Tip #2: Avoid extreme and escalating statements such as “always” and “never.” Ex:“You never take out of the trash”; “Everytime we have this conversation you do the same exact thing.” Statements such as these ratchet up defensiveness in the conversation, and neither person gets their needs met. Instead try something like “Sometimes…”, or “There have been times when…”.
Tip # 3: It has been proposed that as much as 60% of our communication takes place non-verbally, meaning through body language, and an additional 25% through verbal tone. Paying attention to our body language such as making eye contact, orienting your body towards that person, and physical gestures of love and attunement are critical in letting your partner know that they are being listened to, heard, and understood. Moreover, pay attention to the tone you are using as you are speaking, as this can carry even more weight than the words themselves.
Tip #4: Use “I statements”. “I statements” are one of the most misunderstood yet effective communication tools. Here’s the formula: “When you_(specific behavior/action)_____, I feel _(feeling word)______”. The part that is easily missed is identifying the specific behavior or action that our partner is doing that upsets us. For example, you might say, “When you are lazy, I feel pissed off.” But “lazy” is not a specific behavior or action, and using that could trigger defensiveness in our partner. Once defensiveness is triggered, the chances of getting our needs met becomes slimmer and slimmer. Be as specific as you can about the behavior such as “When you don’t washes after dinner, I feel unappreciated.” When you identifying your feeling, try to stay away from feelings in the “anger” family such as “pissed off”, “irritated”, “annoyed”. Dig deeper to some of the softer or more underlying feelings: “uncared for”, “unappreciated”, “sad”, “afraid”, “unacknowledged”, “hopeless”, “helpless.” When we stay only in the angry feelings, we are not acknowledging the full range of emotions, and it can cause defensiveness in our partners.
Tip #5: Stay in your lane: Begin statements with “My recollection/perspective is”, “I remember it differently.” Most of the time, people in relationships have completely different recollections of how conversations went. This is normal and not to be construed as a crisis. Calmly acknowledge that you remember things differently, and state your perspective.
Tip #6: Change “yes, but” to “yes, and”. “Yes, but” negates the active listening/reflection and may cause defensiveness in your partner. Try working with “yes, and” and see if it gets you a different reaction from your partner.
Using this six quick tips will completely transform the communication in your relationship. You will go from having the same conversations over and over again with no resolve, to actually hearing and understanding one another. The best of all is that sometimes, once we’ve really taken the time to hear and understand our partners, the resolution or “solve” becomes less important. As humans, we fundamentally want to feel connected and understood. We want to feel that we are being paid attention to. Love is the art of paying attention.
“Love is the art of paying attention.”
These communication tools are also effective in a workplace environment, so try using them in conversation with a challenging colleague. You can also try them with a difficult family member or friend. I’d love to share more tips with you; please sign-up for my email list below to receive new blog posts, info about upcoming workshop, and freebies.
Are you motivated to finally feel heard and understood, and get what you want and need from your love? Contact me today for a free consultation to discuss ways that we can transform communication in your relationships. Create a relationship and life that you love—call me today!
Leave a note below about which tips worked best for you and why.