Navigating Relationship Changes: How to Adapt When Life Shifts
Matthew McConaughey, of all people, recently was interviewed about his marriage and gave such a profound perspective that I may have to re-watch The Wedding Planner. He shared: “Even by being essentially the same person that we fell in love with, we still need room to change. Sometimes you’re running and the other one’s walking, and it’s okay to be ahead but don’t lose sight. Don’t get so far ahead that you leave your mate lost back there…you’ve got to wait up to hold that hand to go, we’re still doing this together, even though maybe in this zone right now in life I’m flying.”
In all relationships, life occurs, and shifts happen outside of and inside the couple unit. As much as we may want to protect our relationship bubble from outside influences, we are not immune to the climate around us. If we expect to be the same people, with the same life, and the same experiences throughout a long-term relationship, we are actually setting ourselves up to be especially vulnerable to the impact of both external pressures and internal change. Change will happen. The adage of change being the only constant is especially true when navigating relationship changes. So how do we navigate them together, instead of growing apart?
Re-meet your partner
At a party recently, someone asked my husband his favorite movie. I answered the question in my head, assuming his favorite movie had stayed fixed since the last time I had asked, probably 8 years ago. He answered it with a movie I had never heard of. A question that is so simple that illuminated how long I was operating under fixed assumptions.. Afterwards, I asked him why that particular movie was his current favorite. He shared about rewatching it and feeling like it spoke to him uniquely in this stage of life, which opened the door for a deeper conversation around how we are both navigating this chapter both individually and together.
When we start dating a new person, we ask every question under the sun. We are hungry for all information and get excited by every new story. As relationships progress, this initial curiosity can wane. We assume we know all the stories and favorites. When we don’t check back in, and meet each other in every new life stage, we can grow apart and wake up one day realizing the gulf is challenging to bridge. Continue dating, continue questioning, and continue learning about each other.
Instill rituals
As life becomes busier, creating one on one time together has to be intentional. Though a weekly date night would be ideal, I also know that this is an unrealistic goal for many couples. However, rituals can take five minutes in your day and make a huge difference. The Gottmans speak about the importance of simple rituals throughout the day, such as making sure partners kiss before separating and going to work. I can guarantee that every couple has the ability to institute this practice without increasing stress. Another helpful option involves having a five minute check in before starting your day and before going to sleep. Having a meaningful, deliberate conversation planning for and reflecting on your day helps start and finish your day feeling connected and aligned. If a framework is helpful to instill these changes, try the 777 rule. Every 7 days try to go on a date (even playing a game and putting phones away at home can suffice!), every 7 weeks take a day trip or a night away, and every 7 months go on a full vacation together. Having shared rituals, big or small, help foster emotional intimacy and security which are necessary to manage relationship changes and adapt to life circumstances.
Reflect
Sometimes, change can sneak up on you without realizing. Often, when we don’t slow down, we forget to check in with ourselves about our feelings and needs. This lack of self-awareness can manifest in blind spots. When we are so used to brushing past our own wants and needs, we can become oblivious to them. For example, if one partner is not feeling emotionally stimulated but is not recognizing this growing feeling, they could become especially susceptible to unconsciously seeking out the feeling outside of the relationship. However, if we are aware of our internal experiences, we can bring these feelings to our partner and navigate them together as a team. Therapy is an incredibly useful space to reflect and increase our self and relational awareness.
In individual therapy, your therapist will help you explore your feelings and slow down enough to reflect on any external pressures or internal growth areas. Through couples therapy, a therapist will help you notice and communicate these feelings to your partner in order to continue navigating transitions and growing together. It can feel overwhelming to figure out how to notice and adapt to relationship changes on your own, and the Root to Rise therapists are here to support and help you overcome these transitions and come out stronger and more connected. With intention, care, and support, the possibility opens up for a new and improved relationship with the same person you fell in love with. Reach out to our client care coordinator today to get started!
Best,
Jessica
