How to Really Hear Each Other: The Imago Dialogue
When most couples are in conflict, they often get stuck in a cycle of trying to win, rather than trying to understand each other. The fight escalates because we don’t feel heard. And when we don’t feel heard, we protect ourselves, by defending, explaining, or shutting down.
So what can we do when we’re trying to connect, but the conversation keeps turning into a fight?
Imago Dialogue is one of my favorite tools for helping couples de-escalate conflict. It’s less about solving the issue (or even agreeing) and more about learning how to show your partner you care about what they are feeling and understand.
At its core, the dialogue has three parts: mirroring, validation, and empathy.
It might feel overly structured or unnatural at first, but over time, it feels like a framework for how to communicate effectively.
1. Mirroring: “Let me make sure I got that.”
What does it mean to mirror your partner and why does it help?
When one partner speaks, the other simply reflects back what they heard their partner say.
No analysis, no defense, just:
“What I hear you saying is…”
2. Validation: “You make sense.”
How can you validate your partner without necessarily agreeing?
After mirroring, the listener lets their partner know their experience makes sense.
It’s not about agreeing - it’s about recognizing the logic in their perspective.
“You make sense because when I shut down, it probably felt like I didn’t care.”
“I can see how you’d feel hurt, given how much effort you were putting in.”
3. Empathy: “I imagine that felt…”
What happens when we respond with empathy instead of defense?
This is where you tune in to what your partner might be feeling underneath their words.
“I imagine you felt hurt when I....”
“I imagine you felt alone when...”
Check it out after: “Is that how you feel?”
Once one partner has finished sharing - and the other has mirrored, validated, and offered empathy - the roles switch. The listener becomes the speaker, sharing what came up for them, and the first partner moves into the role of listener. They now mirror, validate, and empathize in return.
Why It Works
Why does Imago Dialogue strengthen relationships?
Everything shifts when both people stop trying to win and start trying to understand.
Things slow down, they feel less defensive and alone, and begin to realize there’s space for both of their experiences.
When you mirror, validate, and empathize, it’s not about fixing the problem, it’s more about showing your partner you care to understand them. If you or your partner are hoping to learn Imago Dialogue or work on more effective communication, reach out to our client care coordinator to find a therapist who can help.
Warmly,
Lauren David, AMFT
