Money Psychology
Got Money Baggage? We all do. Welcome, friend.
I have a secret. My secret is a complicated one. It’s related to an issue that comes with so many confusing feelings and stories old and new. It has deep roots in culture, history, gender dynamics, and more. Years ago I would never have admitted to this secret because it may've meant being judged by others as superficial, shallow, greedy, and even evil. But, today I feel different. Today I can proudly admit to my evil secret. And it’s this:
I love money. Like many of my clients, I’ve paid my share of overdraft protection fees, spent more than I earned, and passed on meals and cocktails with friends simply because I could not afford it.
But these days, I have a totally different relationship with money.
I track my spending, I have automatic deposits into both short-term savings and retirement accounts. I have more money than I need. My money journey has been transformational and I can tell you with certainty that yours will be too.
Money is a brilliant tool that helps us achieve our goals, take care of ourselves and others, and our communities. With money, we can help our parents live comfortably beyond retirement, we can afford delicious nourishing food for ourselves and our loved ones, buy good comprehensive medical care, and contribute to our communities by donating our time and resources. As much as I love money, I also know as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist that the topic of money is absolutely terrifying for so many of us. ESPECIALLY in relationships. Why do we cringe and sweat and get into fights with our loved ones over the very topic? In my practice, I see couples and individuals that have solid high paying jobs and busy fulfilling lives, enough money to pay for private-pay psychotherapy, pilates, and Equinox gym memberships. And yet, when the topic of money comes up, they clam up, tense up, and freak out.
Money activates some of our oldest deepest triggers and fears. We all have Money Operating Systems®, according to Hilary Hendershott, CFP, a financial advisor and money coach who taught me about her Money Operating System® framework. The idea that our money mindsets have deep roots in our childhood experiences with money is not a new one, but I absolutely love how Hilary talks about the Money Operating System®. It's easy for our millenial, digitally-oriented minds to understand the concept of an "Operating System." And what's one thing that we definitely know about Operating Systems?
They need to be updated regularly.
That's right, they get old, and they get bugs, and we need to update our Operating Systems to make tweaks and fix the bugs so that we function more optimally with the most up-to-date information available to us.
Our Money Operating System® is often outdated and needs to be identified and then adjusted to fit the present day. In order to understand what our Money OS is, think about how money was handled in your childhood. Was it a stressful topic that usually ended in tears? Was your mom always terrified about not having money, which then made you pinch pennies and fear for every dollar spent? Or maybe your parents were debtors and you grew up with the notion that racking up debt was normal. Was money discussed openly or was it always behind closed doors in hushed voices? In my case, money was a stressor in my home growing up. We seemed to have plenty of it, since we went out to nice dinners and fancy vacations. And yet, there was a tension and fear about money that triggered fights. And I know that I'm not alone on this one. When I do this work with clients, I am amazed at what we learn together.
One of the couples I work with come from two completely different Money OS’. One, let’s call him Joe, grew up in Portugal in poverty and developed the notion that money is scarce and hard to come by and that one must work very hard to make money. His partner, let’s call him Andy, grew up in Vietnam, and his parents bought and sold multiple dry-cleaners when they moved to the U.S. This client grew up with the idea that money flows freely and money is his friend. Joe was what you might call and "saver', and Andy, "a spender."
Through exploring their Money Operating Systems® in our session, Joe and Andy learned that they have very different relationships with money. These differences activate the fear and shame buttons in couples: "I am not safe" ,"He's going to spend all our money and leave me poor, just like my dad left my mom with nothing", or "I'm a failure, I'm bad with money, he/she is judging my spending". However, I guide my clients to see that differences in money mindsets are not to be feared. In fact, it’s quite natural and even quite normal to end up with someone with an entirely different Money OS than ourselves. Through increasing understanding of their differences and how they came to operate the way they do (based on messages they received about money growing up), Joe and Andy were able to have less fear and feel less threatened by their differing money mindsets. This made their conversations about money phenomenally less stressful and triggering.
Andy, who believes that money flows freely, is even learning to help Joe, who believes money is extremely scarce, to have less fear around money. In the past, when Joe would tense or become snappy around money talk, Andy would notice this, and become defensive. Nowadays, when Andy notices Joe tensing up or looking stressed about money, he makes it a point to ask Joe if he is feeling okay and they then talk about together about what’s coming up for Joe. Instead of Joe's tensing or terseness triggering Andy to becoming defensive, leading to a whole cycle of anxiety and avoidance, Andy now moves towards and becomes curious about Joe’s experience when he worries. Joe is also helping Andy to be better about saving. Andy has a tendency to impulse buy, but when Joe would react to it with judgement (due to fear) in the past, this would cause Andy to feel ashamed and withdraw from Joe. Through our couples work and the exploration of money mindsets, Joe is able to see when Andy is engaging in impulsive spending behaviors and bring it up in a way that doesn't come from judgement and therefore doesn't trigger Andy's shame. Just as money mindsets affect our romantic relationships, they also affect our approach to many other aspects of our lives like careers and professional life.
Not only do your relationships improve when you start talking about money, but you will be amazed at the way our outdated beliefs block our earning potential. Limiting beliefs related to our money fears can prevent us from getting out there and asking for a raise or charging the rate that we deserve. When we can see the way our past continues to recreate itself in the present, we are then freed to go a different route. My preferred Money OS at this time, thanks to an 8 month coaching program with Hilary, is this:
Money is a tool.
I have doubled my income in less than one year by doing this work of identifying my money OS and giving it the upgrade it needed. The messages we received as children about money stay with us into adulthood, unless we do the work to identify these messages and then update them to fit our new reality.
The messages we received as children about money stay with us into adulthood, unless we do the work to identify these messages and then update them to fit our new reality.
If you are struggling with how to talk about money with your partner; if you want to grow from your past experiences rather than be a victim if them; if you want to make enough money to support your higher goals and the people that you love; if you want to be able to have conversations that lead to abundance and self-actualization; then you know what you need to do. Don't put off this important work-- your relationships, your career, and your wallet deserve an upgrade.
Start today. This work will make huge lasting changes on your life.
Have true, real conversations with your partner. Charge the rate that you know you deserve. It's time to have the relationship, career, and life that you love. A great place to start is by setting aside a weekly or monthly "money meeting" with your partner to have a safe space to check in about money goals and spending. Read, You're a Badass with Money by Jen Sincero and journal about your money story and your money goals.
I’m here to talk. Through answering your questions, I can provide more info, and give appropriate referrals as needed. My network is extensive: Money Coaches, Accountants, Certified Financial Planners, and Investment Advisors, Estate Planners, all of whom I’d be happy to connect you with. Oh, you got childhood money baggage? Don't worry friend, we all do. Don't delay this important work and rob yourself of earning more money and having a better relationship. I can help. Let's talk!
What were some of the messages that you received about money from your childhood that you carry with you still today? Comment below and call me today for a free phone consultation. Start your money journey today.
