How Does Radical Acceptance Work?
*Sigh* “It is what it is.” Depending on who you ask, this can be such a polarizing statement. For some, that statement signals giving up. It feels as if you’re agreeing with the awful thing that happened and not putting up a fight to change it. For others, it might also be an expression of frustration, as well as a judgment-free acknowledgment of their inability to change the current reality. If you’ve ever used this statement, ask yourself, what allowed you to get there?
What is Radical Acceptance?
Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill that enables you to accept situations that are outside of your control. It focuses on the idea of suffering as coming from one’s attachment to pain rather than the pain itself. Being able to detach from the pain and accept the facts of reality enables you to prevent that pain from turning into suffering. Unfortunately, pain and suffering are a part of life. It stinks and can feel helpless, but the fact of the matter is you often can’t change what has happened, but you can choose how you view it.
What Radical Acceptance is NOT:
Radical acceptance is not approval. It does not mean ignoring your emotions, or giving up and becoming helpless. You are allowed to feel frustrated and experience thoughts of “this is unfair” or “why me?” However, if you continue to deny the facts of reality, you will become stuck in those thoughts and will struggle to move forward. Fighting against reality is exhausting and it’s a fight you’re sure to lose. By freeing up that energy from fighting what you can’t control and using it to focus on what you can control, you can effectively cope with the situation at hand and move away from suffering.
When to Use It:
Radical acceptance can be applied to a multitude of situations. In my work with clients, I’ve found this tool to be especially effective when dealing with a loss, such as the end of a relationship, an unexpected life change, or the loss of a loved one. Oftentimes when a negative event occurs, you can feel stuck in those emotions. You might try to deal with pain in other ways or refuse to accept what happened. You can engage with all the stages of grief, but moving forward won’t happen until the last stage of acceptance is reached. Again, it’s important to acknowledge that acceptance does not mean that you agree with what has happened to you. Acceptance gives you the space to feel and understand those difficult emotions and focus on how to make meaning out of the current reality rather than trying to change a past that cannot be altered.
As useful and effective as this tool is, there are situations where engaging in radical acceptance is not appropriate. If you’re in an abusive relationship, being harassed or disrespected, or avoiding situations due to fear, anxiety, or lack of motivation, it is important to take action to alter your situation rather than accept it.
What Does Lack of Acceptance Look Like?
Think of a time when you were stuck in the thought patterns of “Why did this happen to me? ”This shouldn’t be happening.” “This is so unfair.” What might have prevented you from accepting and moving forward in that moment? As mentioned earlier, acceptance is not agreement, but some have a hard time seeing it that way. In those moments, you might want justice, revenge, or an answer, and by accepting and moving forward, it can feel as if you’re saying “that’s OK” to something that really isn’t. Other times individuals struggle with acceptance because it means they have to face difficult emotions. Acceptance means you are acknowledging that the situation cannot change and there is pain attached to a definitive end. Nobody wants to experience pain, but when you choose not to accept a situation out of avoiding specific emotions, you are numbing a lot more than pain. The body cannot selectively numb any emotions, so if you are numbing pain, you’re also numbing joy and happiness. This avoidance can keep you in the cycle of lack of acceptance. You might find yourself continuously blaming yourself for the bad that happens in your life, you might feel stuck and powerless, or you might feel angry at the world for things that are completely outside of your control. In relationships, you might constantly push others in hopes of changing them and feel disappointed by the choices they make, and you might have a hard time moving past negative incidents, leading to grudges and feelings of resentment.
Practicing Radical Acceptance:
In no way is this an easy skill, but just like learning anything new, radical acceptance takes patience and practice. The founder of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), Marsha Linehan, developed 10 steps for practicing radical acceptance.
Notice when you are struggling to accept something.
Remind yourself that in this moment, reality cannot be changed.
Remind yourself that there are causes for the current reality that are outside of your control.
Practice accepting with your whole being. Utilize relaxation techniques, mindfulness, journaling, and self-reflection.
Think about all the behaviors you would engage in if you did accept the current reality and engage in them as if you have.
Imagine what things would be like if you accepted the situation.
Attend to your bodily sensations as you think about what you need to accept. How are emotions resonating in your body? Is there any tightness or pain?
Allow yourself to feel all of your emotions, such as disappointment or grief.
Acknowledge that life can be worth living even when there is pain.
Create a pros and cons list if you find yourself resisting acceptance.
Remember:
You cannot change the things that have happened in the past.
You can get through difficult emotions.
This feeling is painful, but you will make it through, and this pain will fade.
When you fight against negative emotions, you only make them stronger.
Radical acceptance is just one of many distress tolerance skills that can help you manage your emotions and work toward positive change. If you’re interested in learning more about these skills, the therapists at Root to Rise can help! Contact our Client Care Coordinator to find out which therapist would be best suited for your needs!
Warmly,
Marissa, APCC
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