How to Be a Better Listener in a Relationship
The Mission to Listen: Building Connection Through Active Listening
Have you ever played the game “Telephone” with a group of people, where a phrase is whispered into someone’s ear, and then that person whispers what they heard into the next person’s ear, and so on and so on?
For those of you who think a telephone is solely a device for texting, taking pics, watching TikToks, or looking up what year peanut butter and jelly was invented, or if you and Tom Holland are astrologically compatible, or honestly the answer to pretty much any random question you were curious about, there’s actually this other function of a phone that allows you to call someone, speak to them, and communicate through talking and listening. Hence the game’s name “Telephone.”
When playing Telephone, have you ever started with a phrase that seems simple enough, only to become shocked and surprised to hear how the OG phrase has morphed into something completely different by the time it gets to the last person in the telephone line? For example, you start with the phrase, “I kind of want a pet raccoon" (shoutout to Jimothy, the viral racoon with a short spine and long-lasting star quality). After whispering this sentence from person to person, you may be “shook” to find that the last person in the chain heard something completely different, strange, and contrived, like "Anaconda wanna pen or spoon?”...leaving everyone utterly confused and usually always amused.
This game or process reveals the natural distortion or semantic drift that can occur between speaking and listening in communication. And it happens more than we think, especially when trying to communicate with our loved ones or significant others.
It’s not news that communication within a couple is one of the most important channels for implementing, reinforcing, and building connection in a relationship. Developing better communication is usually the primary therapeutic goal when I first meet with couples. When we break it down, there’s often a similar translation error that occurs in the game of Telephone that also happens between partners when communicating. Between the speaking and the listening, something transforms. And as a couples therapist, it’s my job to help clients slow down and try to uncover what happens in the liminal space between what is said and what is heard.
We all have a story that informs the way we listen. Maybe you grew up with a hypercritical parent, where getting good grades, scoring the winning goal, or winning the award never felt good enough. Cut to a discussion with your partner about their feelings and frustrations about the dishwasher and how it gets loaded. (If I had a dime for every couples session that mentioned the dishes… I’d probably be able to provide every couple with a new set of fine china every session.) Instead of hearing your partner’s feelings as theirs, informed by their own story, you hear their feelings about the dishwasher as hypercriticism. Maybe your partner grew up in a chaotic household where there was never any order or structure, so organizing the dishwasher feels like an important opportunity to reparent and exercise that desired control or autonomy. But while listening, you might return to a familiar narrative about how you never do anything right and that it’s never good enough, informed by your upbringing. You might end up reacting defensively in response to that old, well-worn narrative, as opposed to really hearing your partner’s concerns or feelings as theirs, informed by their past experiences. After so many instances of this kind of misinterpretative listening, it becomes evident that we must learn to separate our own stories from our partner’s and try to hear them in context to each person’s background.
Listening in a couple then becomes an art form of deciphering what is mine and what is theirs. And this is a skill that must be developed.
How to begin really listening in a couple:
Become the listener (and only the listener): Try to listen to your partner’s feelings as if hearing exactly what they’re saying or feeling is your only job or assignment. If you have any residual feelings that may come up while listening, put them aside for now. Your only mission is to listen.
Listen to Understand: Make sure you’re not only listening but that you’re also understanding how and why your partner is feeling the way they do. Ask clarifying questions if you’re unclear. This can actually make your partner feel like you really care and that you really want to get it right and understand.
Hear the context: Listen for the underlying deeper feelings or the more vulnerable beliefs that may connect to your partner’s history. The more context and reason you can hear underneath their expression, the less defensive you’ll most likely be and the more heard they’ll most likely feel.
Compartmentalize reactive feelings: It’s natural to feel triggered when your partner shares feelings that may hit you in a sore spot or that bring up your own negative narratives. When listening, imagine putting those reactions aside, with the intention of revisiting them at a later time, when your partner can be the listener.
Pause after listening: Take a breath and pause for a moment before responding. Remember that your partner is speaking from their own history and perspective and that their feelings do not have to necessarily represent your truth.
Engage curiosity: Ask yourself, ‘I wonder why my partner feels this way? What could be going on inside of them?”
Like any skill, listening in this specific way takes practice and patience. It takes time to unlearn the way you’ve listened for the majority of your life, especially if it developed as a protective tactic to defend against perceived danger or pain. In order to change the way you listen, you first have to identify what your own sore spots are and how you’ve learned to listen defensively to avoid deepening those wounds. If you feel called to begin the process of examining and changing the way you listen in relationships, reach out to our Client Care Coordinator, who can match you with a therapist who will help you on your mission to listen.
