How to Disagree with Your Partner Without Damaging Your Relationship
Disagreeing Without Disconnecting
One of the most common things I come across with couples when working through an argument is their dissatisfaction with not seeing “eye to eye”. And I get it, it would be SO much easier if we could solve our relationship problems by looking through the same lens or flat-out agreeing on everything. But the truth is, we don’t. And guess what? That’s ok!
Not seeing eye to eye does not mean you can’t work like a team. If anything, it means more room for curiosity is likely needed. And as a couple’s therapist, befriending curiosity is going to be one of the most skillful tools when it comes to relationship longevity. The way I see it, the issue isn’t that we disagree; it's how we disagree.
How Can We Foster Connection When We Disagree?
If you find that you and your partner are in a heated disagreement and it's not moving toward anything productive, then it may be your signal to slow things down. Depending on the escalation level, you can either agree to notice and shift the conversation or agree that a pause may be in order to regulate first.
When ready, here are a few questions to help shift the conversation:
Can you help me understand why this position is so important for you?
Can you share what feelings are coming up for you when we talk about this?
Is there something here that may be triggering you that I may not know about?
Can you tell me what you need most when we talk about this?
Is there something you fear underneath your position?
What Can We Do While The Disagreement Is Happening?
As a therapist, it’s probably obvious that I love a question that provokes deep meaning and further exploration with a partner, but how we show up in behavior, tone, and nonverbals can matter just as much. The goal here isn’t to just ask the question, it’s to show up with kindness, presence, and openness.
Here are a few ways you can show up lovingly during a disagreement:
Take turns curiously exploring each perspective - each person should have space to speak
Drop the defenses - they’ll only get you more tangled
Don’t try to persuade your partner, that's not the goal in this conversation
Listen like you would a dear friend
Most importantly, let problem-solving sit this one out, and rely on your listening skills
If you and your partner are feeling like disagreements are taking up the majority of the space in your relationship, it could be a signal that now is a good time to schedule a consultation call with our Client Coordinator to start talking with a professional who can help slow things down and get to the heart of the matter.
