“Ugh, try harder!” Why are you resting? You’re so lazy.” “You’re worthless.” “Nobody likes you.” “You’re making a fool of yourself.”
Do these sound familiar to you? When you hear these messages, whose voice do you hear? If you’re picturing yourself saying these things, you might be experiencing life with a pesky inner critic in your ear. You might be wondering where this inner critic came from, especially if you’ve never experienced a day in your life where you weren’t critical of yourself. So did this inner critic just show up one day? Well, no, not exactly. I want to emphasize that you are not born self-critical. This is a learned behavior shaped by childhood experiences and upbringing.
It is hard for children to understand that “good” and “bad” can coexist. This is especially true when it comes to caregivers. At this developmental stage, children rely so heavily on their caregivers for survival that the idea of them doing anything “bad” or wrong is almost impossible to sit with. That means when faced with forms of neglect, unfairness, lack of support, or emotional trauma, it feels safer for the child to turn the blame inward rather than blame the person that is responsible for their safety and wellbeing. While this can act as a survival mechanism during childhood, it can significantly shape the reality and behaviors that you carry into adulthood and cause you to latch onto negative core messages or core beliefs.
Core beliefs are deeply held assumptions about how you view yourself, others, and the world around you. These core beliefs are the root of negative thought patterns, and they activate a mental filter that only allows you to pay attention to evidence that would make the beliefs stronger and repel anything that challenges them.
How do Core Beliefs Influence Our Inner Critic?
Think about the times you’ve been the most critical of yourself. Maybe you made a mistake or experienced a failure. Whatever the case, the inner critic tends to be activated when you are at your most vulnerable. The definition of vulnerability itself is the susceptibility to being harmed, so of course, when this happens, you might feel your body go into defense mode. Your fight/flight/freeze response kicks into high gear and can cause you to turn on yourself (fight), try to numb the pain (flight), or sit and ruminate on your feelings of inadequacy (freeze). You hear this intimidating voice that tries to make you stay safe by saying things like “Don’t go to the party, they’ll judge you,” and when you get so used to hearing it, you start to believe it and maybe even attach your own voice to these critical phrases. Yes, the critic might be acting as a form of protection, just as it did as a child, but it’s trying to protect you from the pain, fear, and judgment you already impose on yourself.
The important piece here is that if it can be learned, it can be unlearned. There is so much focus on declaring this critical portion of yourself as true that you aren’t paying attention to the part of you deep down that knows these harsh statements are not true. The mental filter created by your core beliefs only pays attention to the evidence in support of these critical statements, so what would happen if you paid attention to the evidence against it? Whenever I think of this concept, my mind goes to The Deposition episode of “The Office,” where the CFO’s statements surrounding Michael not being considered for a job were prefaced with a compliment of him being a nice man, which is what Michael held onto and reciprocated rather than fixating on the phrases of criticism. The inner critic is just some portion of yourself that you learned to listen to, so what would happen if you learned to listen to a different part?
Silencing the Critic
One of my favorite interactive exercises to use with my clients can help de-identify with and silence your critic and aid in self-compassion. First, I want you to assign an identity to your critic, separate from your own. As mentioned earlier, when you hear these critical statements so often, you might attach your own voice to the critic, molding it to your identity. For this exercise, you want to separate yourself from your critic. It might be easier to use a politician or actor that rubs you the wrong way. Assign your critic a certain pen color. Next, pick a pen color that represents you. You’re going to grab a piece of paper and start writing a dialogue between you and your self-critic. This could involve statements you told yourself earlier in the day, week, or your whole life. When you respond to your self-critic, advocate for yourself! Tell the critic exactly why they are wrong about you. Oftentimes it can be difficult to fight against yourself, but maybe you’ll feel more inspired when it’s against someone you don’t particularly like.
Example:
(As much as I love Next Level Chef and all of the other varieties, I am going to assign my critic as Gordon Ramsay for this example.)
Critic: “You are such a loser and will never achieve anything in your life!”
Me: “Okay, ouch. Why would you say that? I have done so many things with my life so far and have worked really hard to get where I am.”
Critic: “Well, what good is that effort if you just bombed this interview? You definitely are not getting this job!”
Me: “Maybe it wasn’t my best interview, I’ll give you that, but it’s not the end of the world. If I don’t get the job, maybe it’s not meant to be or not the right fit. A job will come around that is a good fit, it doesn’t mean my degree or effort isn’t worth anything now.”
Keep going with this until you can step away feeling more confident and compassionate toward yourself.
Another extremely effective tool is talking to yourself as you would a friend. Think about the critical way you speak to yourself- would you ever talk to a friend that way? It’s sometimes easy to be nicer to loved ones than to yourself. Imagine your best friend coming to you with the issue you are experiencing. What would you tell them? Try speaking to yourself that way.
Living with an inner critic can feel so deeply embedded and almost impossible to change, but that does not have to be the case. If you’re interested in learning more about how to cultivate the skill of self-compassion and face your critic head-on, the therapists at Root to Rise can help! Contact our Client Coordinator to find out which therapist would be best suited for your needs.
Warmly,
Root to Rise Therapy
